The Problem with Conversion

Lately I have been thinking about conversion, (can’t imagine why? Check out the Metanoia Movement) and I think that God has graciously given me some new insights. What is the problem with conversion? Why is it that when God promises us a new life, we hesitate and swim in the familiar misery that we call our life?

While God calls us to something different, and for sure more fulfilling that what we have going on now, we tend to be afraid of that which we do not know. I think that when we talk about creating a new spark in the church of today, we can’t help but ask ourselves, what is the problem, who wouldn’t want in on this thing? But then I got a hint of why we wouldn’t. In today’s world we see ourselves so much different than God, our creator sees us. We immerse ourselves in what the world deems as success. We work hard, we try to give our kids everything that they need to “keep up” and we judge ourselves, on a standard that we will never achieve.  We allow our “ego” to tell us what is good and bad about us, but we should realize that the ego is never satisfied, it has an insatiable hunger for everything. More, more, more is the mantra of the ego. And when we look ourselves through the lens of the ego, we tell ourselves that we are not enough. There is always something missing. And so, how can we really believe that God would love me with such an immense love? How can I really feel that love, and live my life from that place? It seems like something that I could never achieve, at least for any sustained time that it would actually change my life. In these times, love is elusive, and with everyone working on the greater of good of the “I”, when do we get to learn the meaning of real love, there just isn’t very many opportunities to have some concrete experience of anything that may resemble the love God has for us.

And then there is a problem with meeting God in the core of my being, if I ever do get a chance to meet God there, because then I will really have to move to something else in my life. I will have to clear out the cobwebs of all the places within myself that I have been avoiding for a long time, and it might hurt. It will, at the very least, require me to change things about how I am living my life, with no guarantee that I won’t be standing here alone, holding up a real mess. I think that it is scary to have a real conversion experience, its kind of like shopping at Wal-Mart. I remember reading all the terrible things that Wal-Mart does to its employees, and how they really take advantage of those who manufacture or produce certain items. For Wal-Mart it is the bottom line, no matter what. How many of us have thought that it probably isn’t the best to shop at Wal-Mart. In my rural town, Wal-Mart has been a part of shutting down local businesses because they couldn’t compete with the prices of buying in bulk. But what happens if you decide that you will no longer shop at Wal-Mart, you will pay more money for some items, shopping may not be as convenient, and for some towns, Wal-Mart is the only game in town! So we find ourselves shopping at Wal-Mart. Conversion I think is similar. If we were to look at the teachings of the Church (which I believe are more right than wrong), we might find that we married the wrong person, or that we are parenting in a way that hurts our children more than helps them; we might feel that our conversations with our co-workers or our friends aren’t worth having, we might even lose friends; perhaps our job is in conflict with the teachings of the Church, maybe our family members won’t support us, etc. When we shift our thinking, let alone our actions, there are consequences, and sometimes those consequences can be overwhelming. Sometimes we find that in this world, with so much hurting, and inequality it is just easier to shut our eyes, it just gets too much …we are afraid that we will be alone, that people will think that we are “high and mighty”, that our kids will be laughed at, and on and on, (plug in your own fears here) that beginning the change, even just going to church can be a daunting task. But we seldom think, that if I don’t jump off this ledge I am living on, I could lose my soul! I could lose my children’s soul! I could lose my place in heaven! That is the real consequence by not taking this invitation to conversion, this invitation to love God and to allow Him to love me, just the way I am. But my ego keeps reminding me that I am not enough. How then, do we commit ourselves to God, every moment of everyday?

This week Jesus tells us to give Caesar what is Caesar’s and to give God what is God’s. We have to remind one another that we belong to God. It is only through LOVE that we will know that love, without judgments, with a sense of community; we have to be here for each other when we decide to open the gate of the one we have fenced in, deep within ourselves that we decided was not worthy to be loved, not really loved. Today, so many people settle for all the empty promises of the world, those things that will never satisfy.  I think that we find the love of God in the commitment to one another that we will not be alone when we open our can of worms, because all of our lives are holy messes, and it is in the courage of sharing our messes that we will be set straight. Let us pray for one another, and for our conversion because God needs us to be light for one another, He has faith in us, and He is very patient.