I have been quiet, especially in this blog this year. It is
hard to believe, when I think back on the enthusiasm that once ran through my
whole being about the opportunity to share this gift of faith. The problem is, I don’t think that I ever
realized what a “gift” it was, and in so many ways, we do so little for this
great gift and that it is all about God’s grace.
In the last few years I can honestly say that I have had the
pleasure of having a “relationship” with God. A relationship that goes back and
forth, I hear God speaking to me, and I truly listen. Sometimes, it doesn’t
make sense to me, but I forge on ahead, in a way, blindly believing what I
hear. There have been way too many incidences in which God has made himself
known to me, I really can’t think that I am crazy, though I have often used it
at the beginning of my conversations, when I suffer from fear of being
judged. There is not a day that I don’t
feel close to God, that He is with me, though like any good parent, he tries to
teach the listen, give the advice and in the end it is ultimately up to me if
love will come to life with action.
In the past year, I have heard God speak to me very much
about my future, it didn’t really have a “game plan” now that I look back, just
a promise of salvation and an opportunity to be with Him and others as we
rebuild His church. I heard Him tell me
to “follow Him”, I really wanted to, for maybe the first time in my life, I
could truly say that I LOVED God, in a relationship, not just because it felt
that this is what we say, especially if we are working in the Church. But then He brought me one step closer …. He
told me that I would have to “drop my net”.
For a long time I was so dissatisfied with my life and in
the work I was doing. But mostly, I was
ashamed at the deceitful way I was living, often telling people what they
wanted to hear so that I could keep my life comfortable. It began to be clear
to me that, not only was it not fair to me and keeping me in sin, it wasn’t
fair to those around me. Though I was in many, many instances telling people
the truth of how I felt or understood things, it was my actions that spoke
louder than my words and they didn’t add up. I felt literally torn in half, and the more I
was falling in love with Jesus, the more torn I was.
Last summer, my father passed away. I had always dreaded even the thought of
losing a parent, I had never experienced it before, and how was I going to
act. I was my father’s health care
proxy, and so during the process I felt very responsible for decisions I would
have to make on my father’s behalf. By some
grace, during those last final days, I found strength and peace that I thought
were impossible for me, and maybe even more impossible for our relationship. I have to say, other than the birth of my
son, I felt God’s presence, as sure as if He were sitting in the chair next to
me. My father, had a day before he
passed, in which he was very coherent, and he was able to take the time and
speak to each one of us, and in his amazingly humble way (sadly caused my his
inability to recognize his own worth in this life) relieved my pain of thinking
that he thought I didn’t love him because of the decisions I had made in the
last few years. It wasn’t what I would have asked for, but it sure was what I
needed to hear. I knew that my father loved me, but I also know that love can
only be given within a person’s capacity.
During the last days of his life, he showed us that God was there,
especially when he received the Eucharist for the last time on this earth, my
father’s eyes were straight ahead, and radiated love so pure – I had only seen
this one time before, and that was in my son’s eyes the evening I believe he
said goodbye to the angels that delivered him to my care. God was sitting in the room with us, and
they, meaning the Holy Trinity and Mary were there to finally bring my father
home … his earthly life had been hard, especially hard was his relationships
with his own parents, and I knew that Mary, the mother of us all, was there to
really show him true love. It was so
life changing to be in that room those few days. I knew that I couldn’t go back
to the life I was living … that it was not just time to “follow Jesus” but to
drop my net.
It wasn’t long after, that all the pieces fell into place,
and it was time to leave a job, that in so many ways, I loved. But perhaps more importantly, placed my
identity in. I had white knuckled it so
long on the ledge, that I was tired, and in a split second, released all my
fingers and fell back, hoping to be caught by God or to at least provide some
cushion for the landing. I let it all go.
In my prayer life, I feel close to the first disciples,
probably saying much of the same words that they did …. “Where are we going
Jesus?” “Why would you want to go there
Jesus?” “Are you sure that these are the people you want us to help Jesus?” “When are you going to use your mighty God
power and make life right for us Jesus?” “I am not worthy Jesus.” “Oh I will never abandon you Jesus!” “Of
course I love you Jesus” Even when I hear myself say these phrases I think I am
the first to utter them, but it doesn’t take long to realize that I am not.
That so many have gone before me asking the same questions.
I think when I started this blog, I was really unaware of
all the things that I didn’t, and still don’t have answers to. What is this gift of faith, why do some
people just seem to have it and others struggle so much with it? What can I do to help those who struggle with
their faith come to know and love God more? After all I am the “Director of
Young Adult Ministry for the Diocese of Ogdensburg” shouldn’t I be able to
bring others to Jesus, to the church or at least to World Youth Day?!
Faith is a journey, a relationship that begins with someone
who treats you a little bit like Jesus would. And like all relationships in involves trust,
interaction, asking for forgiveness when necessary, and action and sometimes --
sacrifice. When we love someone on this
earth it is amazing when we think of what we will do to show them that we love
them. It is the same with our relationship with God. When I was young, I was
fortunate to meet so many people who, when I look back, where Jesus to me and
helped me to understand his love for me and for others. Who taught me what was
required to be a follower of Jesus and who were “in it” with me so that I would
eventually see that I could be Jesus for someone else. It is time for me to take on the role more
fully, and I am much more aware, that I am called to live as a believer in a
way that would make others also want to know Jesus. Like always, it means to put the fear aside
and get at it!
Our culture thrives from
people being afraid to talk about God and what He has done for them in their
lives, that there is really no other way to live but to love God and to love
others, especially those who are oppressed.
The Church is in such a state of change, not in the changes some people
have been waiting for, women clergy, gay marriage, etc. etc. but fundamental
change – the change within our own hearts, that opens are vision to ourselves
in relationship WITH God, no longer on our own,an opportunity to love God with open hands, knowing that He
is with us!