Letting Go of the Net

I have been quiet, especially in this blog this year. It is hard to believe, when I think back on the enthusiasm that once ran through my whole being about the opportunity to share this gift of faith.  The problem is, I don’t think that I ever realized what a “gift” it was, and in so many ways, we do so little for this great gift and that it is all about God’s grace.

In the last few years I can honestly say that I have had the pleasure of having a “relationship” with God. A relationship that goes back and forth, I hear God speaking to me, and I truly listen. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense to me, but I forge on ahead, in a way, blindly believing what I hear. There have been way too many incidences in which God has made himself known to me, I really can’t think that I am crazy, though I have often used it at the beginning of my conversations, when I suffer from fear of being judged.  There is not a day that I don’t feel close to God, that He is with me, though like any good parent, he tries to teach the listen, give the advice and in the end it is ultimately up to me if love will come to life with action.

In the past year, I have heard God speak to me very much about my future, it didn’t really have a “game plan” now that I look back, just a promise of salvation and an opportunity to be with Him and others as we rebuild His church.  I heard Him tell me to “follow Him”, I really wanted to, for maybe the first time in my life, I could truly say that I LOVED God, in a relationship, not just because it felt that this is what we say, especially if we are working in the Church.  But then He brought me one step closer …. He told me that I would have to “drop my net”. 

For a long time I was so dissatisfied with my life and in the work I was doing.  But mostly, I was ashamed at the deceitful way I was living, often telling people what they wanted to hear so that I could keep my life comfortable. It began to be clear to me that, not only was it not fair to me and keeping me in sin, it wasn’t fair to those around me. Though I was in many, many instances telling people the truth of how I felt or understood things, it was my actions that spoke louder than my words and they didn’t add up.  I felt literally torn in half, and the more I was falling in love with Jesus, the more torn I was. 

Last summer, my father passed away.  I had always dreaded even the thought of losing a parent, I had never experienced it before, and how was I going to act.  I was my father’s health care proxy, and so during the process I felt very responsible for decisions I would have to make on my father’s behalf.  By some grace, during those last final days, I found strength and peace that I thought were impossible for me, and maybe even more impossible for our relationship.  I have to say, other than the birth of my son, I felt God’s presence, as sure as if He were sitting in the chair next to me.  My father, had a day before he passed, in which he was very coherent, and he was able to take the time and speak to each one of us, and in his amazingly humble way (sadly caused my his inability to recognize his own worth in this life) relieved my pain of thinking that he thought I didn’t love him because of the decisions I had made in the last few years. It wasn’t what I would have asked for, but it sure was what I needed to hear. I knew that my father loved me, but I also know that love can only be given within a person’s capacity.  During the last days of his life, he showed us that God was there, especially when he received the Eucharist for the last time on this earth, my father’s eyes were straight ahead, and radiated love so pure – I had only seen this one time before, and that was in my son’s eyes the evening I believe he said goodbye to the angels that delivered him to my care.  God was sitting in the room with us, and they, meaning the Holy Trinity and Mary were there to finally bring my father home … his earthly life had been hard, especially hard was his relationships with his own parents, and I knew that Mary, the mother of us all, was there to really show him true love.  It was so life changing to be in that room those few days. I knew that I couldn’t go back to the life I was living … that it was not just time to “follow Jesus” but to drop my net.

It wasn’t long after, that all the pieces fell into place, and it was time to leave a job, that in so many ways, I loved.  But perhaps more importantly, placed my identity in.  I had white knuckled it so long on the ledge, that I was tired, and in a split second, released all my fingers and fell back, hoping to be caught by God or to at least provide some cushion for the landing. I let it all go.

In my prayer life, I feel close to the first disciples, probably saying much of the same words that they did …. “Where are we going Jesus?”  “Why would you want to go there Jesus?” “Are you sure that these are the people you want us to help Jesus?”  “When are you going to use your mighty God power and make life right for us Jesus?” “I am not worthy Jesus.”  “Oh I will never abandon you Jesus!” “Of course I love you Jesus” Even when I hear myself say these phrases I think I am the first to utter them, but it doesn’t take long to realize that I am not. That so many have gone before me asking the same questions.

I think when I started this blog, I was really unaware of all the things that I didn’t, and still don’t have answers to.  What is this gift of faith, why do some people just seem to have it and others struggle so much with it?  What can I do to help those who struggle with their faith come to know and love God more? After all I am the “Director of Young Adult Ministry for the Diocese of Ogdensburg” shouldn’t I be able to bring others to Jesus, to the church or at least to World Youth Day?!  

Faith is a journey, a relationship that begins with someone who treats you a little bit like Jesus would.  And like all relationships in involves trust, interaction, asking for forgiveness when necessary, and action and sometimes -- sacrifice.  When we love someone on this earth it is amazing when we think of what we will do to show them that we love them. It is the same with our relationship with God. When I was young, I was fortunate to meet so many people who, when I look back, where Jesus to me and helped me to understand his love for me and for others. Who taught me what was required to be a follower of Jesus and who were “in it” with me so that I would eventually see that I could be Jesus for someone else.  It is time for me to take on the role more fully, and I am much more aware, that I am called to live as a believer in a way that would make others also want to know Jesus.  Like always, it means to put the fear aside and get at it!

Our culture thrives from people being afraid to talk about God and what He has done for them in their lives, that there is really no other way to live but to love God and to love others, especially those who are oppressed.  The Church is in such a state of change, not in the changes some people have been waiting for, women clergy, gay marriage, etc. etc. but fundamental change – the change within our own hearts, that opens are vision to ourselves in relationship WITH God, no longer on our own,an opportunity to love God with open hands, knowing that He is with us!

 

Become like Children

"Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children,

you will not enter the Kingdom of heaven.

Whoever becomes humble like this child

is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven.

And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me."

On Sunday, we hopefully, learned that we are to not give up, to trust God in our journey, that we will be fed and that we have to keep our eye on Him at the top of the mountain.  And Paul reminds us that our duty as  Catholics/Christians is to love one another, forgive one another and to be imitators of Christ. I think that today, we hear about what follows when we have decided to live that way, and that is to be vulnerable to our neighbors: What if someone takes advantage of me? To live like Christ makes us very vulnerable, and Jesus teaches how vulnerable we can be as he walked the journey to the cross. Children do not think about the consequences in loving someone, they love unconditionally, and even when people do not treat them the best.  In my daily work in the mental health arena, I am often reminded that even when parents do not parent well, even in times of abuse, a child will still see something good in their parents and they will always want their love and feel loyal to them. As we get older, we decide that we are now "adults" and we must be taken seriously, and NO ONE will make a fool of us!!! But this attitude often stops us from feeding the poor, clothing the naked, loving the unlovable; and when we stop doing those things, than we can never be close to God.  We have to leave our fear at the altar, and go being open to all that cross our paths, the lonely, the hungry, etc.  without worrying about the negative consequences that might happen to us. Of course we have to be smart and be safe, but those circumstances are far and few be,ween in our lives, but everyday we pass people by without a smile or hello, and sometimes that is just what a person needs.  

St. Maximilian Kolbe teaches us how to be open to others in need, to trust God even in the most dangerous times, and to believe our faith so much that we will risk our lives for it. St. Maximilian was only a child when he had a vision of Mary, it is documented that he was 12 years old when he had the vision.  [This is an excerpt from the book, "Maximilian Kolbe Saint of Auschwitz" by Elaine Murray Stone]

     Raymond seemed embarrassed to reveal his secret. But finally, shaking with emotion, he obeyed and told her. "One day, when I was praying before the painting of Our Lady of Czestochowa in church" he began softly, "Our Lady appeared to me."

     Maria's broad face looked shocked. Could this be true, or was her son being sacrilegious? Even worse, perhaps he was going crazy. But she nodded for Raymond to continue. 
     "Our Lady was holding out two crowns. One was white, the other red. She gazed at me lovingly and asked, 'Which of these crowns do you desire?' Then the Virgin told me that if I chose the white crown I would remain pure for life. The red one was a martyr's crown. I thought about the choice for a minute. Then I told her, 'I want both of them.' The Virgin smiled sweetly at me. Then she disappeared."

     As he spoke, Raymond's face glowed with peace and innocence.  His mother could not help believing what he told her. But the greatest proof of the vision was the immediate change in her son's behavior. Obviously, something miraculous had taken place and transformed him. 

His life was the proof that he did indeed have a miraculous change. Unless we open ourselves, so that we are vulnerable, the heavens cannot come down and be a part of our life and we can not complete the journey God has in store for us. So many children throughout the ages have been the chosen ones of sacred messages from our Mother in heaven. She had faith in them, because they were open to her, they loved her with no reserve and therefore worthy of the promises we recieve in Christ Jesus. 

Jesus we ask you to open our hearts, to open our minds to that which is your will in our lives, help us to have total faith in you so that we may reveal your love to others, help us to be like St. Maximilian and not hold anything from You. 

To Pay or Not to Pay?

Sometimes the readings for the day just make us scratch our heads and say “Huh?” which I think is the reaction we may have to today’s readings. But fear not, there is much to see in the readings for today. I think as we head into this election year, they may be very fitting to what we got going on these days.

Does Jesus pay the temple taxes? – is the topic of the day. Remember the Jewish leaders were really trying to find something on this guy and at every turn they really thought that they would get them. We also have to remember that the temple tax was what the Jewish people paid, not to keep the temple going so much, but they saw it as atonement for their sins, and were commanded to do so in Exodus 30. Now since Jesus was the Son of God and was sinless, was it necessary for him to pay this tax? You also have to wonder if, being asked the question, was Peter just answering the question in a way that would not cause trouble and did he really know if Jesus actually paid the tax or not. Can you imagine Peter walking into the room where Jesus was and him thinking, how to bring up the subject with Jesus in paying this tax? After being told by Jesus himself that he would be taken and killed, it would be natural for Peter to want to keep Jesus out of trouble. Jesus though, knows exactly what Peter needs, and that is an answer to this tax issue. Jesus brings up the issue of the temple tax, it seems pretty clear that Jesus probably doesn’t, really have to pay the tax when looked at theologically, but even Jesus agrees to pay the tax “not to offend them”.  So he tells Peter to pay the tax, gives him a way to get the money to pay for it, and pays for Peter’s tax as well.  So what does that tell us now and why is it so important in our own time and world?

Peter, represents the Church in scripture, and often, the Church is always is in a balancing act between the political world and the spiritual. It is one of the reasons why I am proud to be a Catholic -- we ARE a voice in the world and we do not hide from commenting and exercising our religious rights in order for good to be done in the world. No, we do not endorse candidates or have big dinner parties to raise money for a particular party, but we are the voice of the poor and disenfranchised, and so many Catholics not only talk about rights of the poor, they actually give up their own lives for those in need. Hopefully, you have heard the continuing issues that arise from the recent HHS Mandate.  Check out The 6 Things Everyone Should Know About the HHS Mandate at http://usccb.org/news/2012/12-021.cfm.  Many lawsuits by Catholic Dioceses and organizations have been filed to fight this mandate that forces us, Catholics, to pay for things that we are absolutely morally opposed to; and many of these lawsuits have already been dismissed in favor of the government mandate.  So what do we do as Catholics? Last week, Gus Lloyd, who is a well known Catholic author and has a morning radio show on the Catholic Channel, had callers call in to his show to answer the question “Should the Church pay the fines that will incur if Catholic institutions refuse to follow the mandate?” In the light of today’s Gospel reading, what do you think? Should the Church just do what the government wants them to do, so not to offend, should we practice civil disobedience and not follow the mandate and pay the fine, or do we go even further and not follow the mandate and refuse to pay the fine?

Notice in today’s reading, the coin to pay the fine was in a fish? Which I think, reminds us that the answers come from God, we must listen to Jesus words, do what He tells us, and the answer will be revealed.

Thankful for the Beginning of Metanoia

Usually the writings of this blog are inspired by the readings for the upcoming week, but this week I plan to do something a little different. I am coming back from a few days off, celebrating the Thanksgiving week with my family, which has truly left me feeling humbled and blessed. Although we don’t have the numbers that other families are blessed with, as we sat around our small table (in our pajamas this year) we realized that we had so much to be Thankful for. Among those things, is the opportunity to be the Director of Young Adult Ministry and a family that is as dedicated as I am. A mother who jumps in and takes care of so much so that my dream can be realized to work for the church, while maintaining a job that also is very fulfilling is enough to be thankful for. And thankful for such a good son who understands why sometimes I have to be away, and already at the age of 12 understands that people need to stand up for what we believe in, even if that means he goes to bed without my kiss or hugs some nights. A am humbled to be a single mother and somehow can keep our life going, when I am well aware that in other countries the plight of single mothers is to beg on the street for any morsel of food, or to even sell your child in hopes that this little one will have a better life somewhere outside your arms. “Only by the grace of God go I” is my mantra.

I am grateful for the beautiful women I met on our first Metanoia retreat and the wonderful people, especially Fr. Al Hauser, who jumped in and made it happen as I was wrestling with the devil. Without him, or the Kilians, the retreat would not have been possible. I want to talk too, about the power of God, when two or three gathered there He is in our midst and it has never been so powerful for me as it was during the Metanoia retreat. So much so, that when it was over, I, like the first disciples, found myself wanting to hide in the upper room -- in awe and wondering of what the real meaning of the experience meant; not only to me but to the future of our church.  I want to make it clear, that it had nothing to do with me, it was purely God.  It wasn’t an experience of something that will change everything in itself, but it was a seed of something that could grow so powerful. In so many ways, in the experiencing of the retreat, it became something different than I even dreamed about when the planning of this event began. For me, the power of God’s presence and the insistent presence of the devil within me left me in a place in which I will forever be changed.  There were so many factors that could have stopped this retreat from happening that when I list them all I wonder how it actually got off the ground, but it did. I knew it before but I am even more convinced than ever, that God will always win over evil if we merely help the fight. It is by no coincidence, though I didn’t put it all together, that the first Metanoia retreat was held the weekend of Christ the King. But I also know how weak we are, even when we don’t want to be.  The most beautiful element of the retreat is that the participants were able to just “be” with God, one of the things that we often forget to do. We spoke of the demands of the world, how we get our appreciation and self worth from what we “do” and in God’s eyes, He loves us simply because we “are”. If only we could see ourselves as God sees us!! Thank you to Jamie, Samantha, Carmel, Jen and Kelley for saying "yes" to the unknown, and for sharing of yourselves to our first small group.

As we anticipate the birth of the Christ-child, we are reminded to envelope ourselves in “silent nights” – to simply just meditate on our lives, that are often lived in darkness and in a state of loneliness. If we can reach deep down into ourselves and be honest, how we could get to the end of Advent with such a yearning for Christ to enter our lives in a whole new way, with both hands wanting to hold that Christ baby in loving embrace – and oh how he would love to share his wondrous joy with us, no more darkness, no more loneliness and a promise to walk beside us, all the days of our lives.

A Prayer for the Week..

Image by Michael 1952 via FlickrLike the five thousand people you fed,
we run to your holy mountain,
relishing your rich gifts
filling up our
starving
souls,

You, the infinitely-more-than-enough,
just like the left-over baskets.

You tell us,
feed the hungry, end war, stop injustice,
accept ourselves
the way we
are.

With your food
we can.

Borrowed from The Center for Liturgy at http://liturgy.slu.edu/18OrdA073111/main.html

Jesus - Is that You?

We live in a world where if you can't see it, smell it, touch it, taste it, it doesn't exist. We live where everything can be analyzed and tested in order to find out what a thing is made from. Most of us watch magicians and the like, knowing that there is some kind of trick to it, now they are not "magicians" but they are "illusionists", because really it is all based on illusions. When you start thinking about it, it is very interesting where we human being are needing the no nonsense truth, and where we are ok to be duped -- each and every time. (I am not even going to list examples, because I am sure that you can think of a time when you were quite happy with your illusion of a situation, not really wanting to acknowledge the truth).

And so we find ourselves, grappling for meaning in our lives, and we find ourselves in a church. Looking up for answers, a sign, anything. And we get .... quiet.  Real quiet. We go to Mass, sometimes we are in a better than usual mood and we find ourselves actually singing along with the music leader. On a real good day, we will actually respond back the response of the responsorial psalm and join in with the prayers. And then it happens...we see the priest holding up this round wafer (hey that one is bigger than the one I get) and what goes on in your head? Does the word ... "Transubstantiation” come to mind?  How can we align our hearts and our heads at this moment when Jesus himself becomes present with us in this Church, and comes to love and to heal and to encourage us to fulfill God's purpose for us?  And the thing about this, is that if we go through the motions at Mass, and we never ask ourselves, do I believe in the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, the experience of Mass, and Church and community, will always be less than it could be, and what it could be is transformative.

The Eucharist is not a scientific fact, though I think that it could be proven that those who partake in the Eucharist often, are more apt to understand their relationship with themselves and the world better, that they experience more real joy, hope and peace. In John 20:29 Jesus says to Thomas, (the doubting one) "“Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”  For me Jesus words tell me a couple of things, that FAITH is needed to have a real relationship with Jesus, faith to know that He is with me at ALL times, in the happy and the sad, in the difficult and the easy. And that this faith helps me to realize that life is all mystery, I don't understand why the sun shines brightly, but I do not doubt that it will shine tomorrow when I lay down to sleep every night; I do not understand why someone will say just the right word to me to make me feel that I am understood. But it happens, everyday ... when I live in a way that is open to God's blessing and His grace.  I do not always feel the love of my child, but I know that it is there. The other thing that Jesus’ words tell me, is that blessed are we, who live in this world that continually tries to hide Jesus from us, blessed are we who are given the opportunity to rekindle the light of Christ in our Church! We are given the opportunity to SEE him again and to help others SEE Jesus, in you and me by how we move and have our being.

I KNOW that when I Eat of His bread, and Drink of His cup, I am changed, -- CHANGED! And when I am praying afterwards, I do not concentrate on the "WHY" or the “HOW” but I rejoice in the "THANK YOU", for the greatest gift that I could receive, that which will sustain me until He comes again in glory.

The Eucharist Makes Us Catholic!

  As we journey this week toward the Solemnity of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ on Sunday, we must reflect on what the Eucharist means to us. I think that it is hard for us to believe that this bread and wine that we partake in each Sunday (or at least have the opportunity to) is really Jesus. If we could wrap our minds around it, how would Sunday Mass and my life during the whole week be different? How would we act in our daily lives if we thought that on Sunday we would have a visit from Jesus himself, would we be more apt to live a life that he could be proud of? As a parent I often wonder if I taught my son well, so well that he would live our family values out in the world without me around. Does he live the values because he too understands and buys into them, or because he fears me? Do we sometimes live in a way that we think we can “sneak” around Jesus, like God is not with us every moment? I think that it is the same with our relationship with Jesus Christ. What would we do for Him? Because we have to remember that whatever we do in sacrifice for Jesus we obtain sevenfold for our own good through grace. Think about it, if today we are mindful of others, if we give what we can, if we are more gentle with the people God has given in our care, if we choose to do what is right, our life will be better -- not only our life, but the world will be better.

It is so important for us to remember that Jesus said, “I am the living bread that came down from heaven; whoever EATS this bread will live forever.” He didn’t say, “Whoever hangs out with me, will live for ever.” If we hang out with someone or something, it doesn’t really become a part of us, but when we eat something, that which we ate, is no longer visible, and the nutrients from the food enter each of our molecules in one form or another, and then we are different -- either healthy or not.  

We must get our heads and our hearts around this concept, that Jesus is present, really present, in the Eucharist, because the Eucharist, is one of those things that makes us REALLY CATHOLIC!  This week, attend a daily mass if possible, give Jesus a real try, consume Him and have Him consume you, walk this week like Jesus is standing next to you and that you are not alone. Make all decisions with Him.

Come back on Wednesday on ways to bring this into your parish!