Letting Go of the Net

I have been quiet, especially in this blog this year. It is hard to believe, when I think back on the enthusiasm that once ran through my whole being about the opportunity to share this gift of faith.  The problem is, I don’t think that I ever realized what a “gift” it was, and in so many ways, we do so little for this great gift and that it is all about God’s grace.

In the last few years I can honestly say that I have had the pleasure of having a “relationship” with God. A relationship that goes back and forth, I hear God speaking to me, and I truly listen. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense to me, but I forge on ahead, in a way, blindly believing what I hear. There have been way too many incidences in which God has made himself known to me, I really can’t think that I am crazy, though I have often used it at the beginning of my conversations, when I suffer from fear of being judged.  There is not a day that I don’t feel close to God, that He is with me, though like any good parent, he tries to teach the listen, give the advice and in the end it is ultimately up to me if love will come to life with action.

In the past year, I have heard God speak to me very much about my future, it didn’t really have a “game plan” now that I look back, just a promise of salvation and an opportunity to be with Him and others as we rebuild His church.  I heard Him tell me to “follow Him”, I really wanted to, for maybe the first time in my life, I could truly say that I LOVED God, in a relationship, not just because it felt that this is what we say, especially if we are working in the Church.  But then He brought me one step closer …. He told me that I would have to “drop my net”. 

For a long time I was so dissatisfied with my life and in the work I was doing.  But mostly, I was ashamed at the deceitful way I was living, often telling people what they wanted to hear so that I could keep my life comfortable. It began to be clear to me that, not only was it not fair to me and keeping me in sin, it wasn’t fair to those around me. Though I was in many, many instances telling people the truth of how I felt or understood things, it was my actions that spoke louder than my words and they didn’t add up.  I felt literally torn in half, and the more I was falling in love with Jesus, the more torn I was. 

Last summer, my father passed away.  I had always dreaded even the thought of losing a parent, I had never experienced it before, and how was I going to act.  I was my father’s health care proxy, and so during the process I felt very responsible for decisions I would have to make on my father’s behalf.  By some grace, during those last final days, I found strength and peace that I thought were impossible for me, and maybe even more impossible for our relationship.  I have to say, other than the birth of my son, I felt God’s presence, as sure as if He were sitting in the chair next to me.  My father, had a day before he passed, in which he was very coherent, and he was able to take the time and speak to each one of us, and in his amazingly humble way (sadly caused my his inability to recognize his own worth in this life) relieved my pain of thinking that he thought I didn’t love him because of the decisions I had made in the last few years. It wasn’t what I would have asked for, but it sure was what I needed to hear. I knew that my father loved me, but I also know that love can only be given within a person’s capacity.  During the last days of his life, he showed us that God was there, especially when he received the Eucharist for the last time on this earth, my father’s eyes were straight ahead, and radiated love so pure – I had only seen this one time before, and that was in my son’s eyes the evening I believe he said goodbye to the angels that delivered him to my care.  God was sitting in the room with us, and they, meaning the Holy Trinity and Mary were there to finally bring my father home … his earthly life had been hard, especially hard was his relationships with his own parents, and I knew that Mary, the mother of us all, was there to really show him true love.  It was so life changing to be in that room those few days. I knew that I couldn’t go back to the life I was living … that it was not just time to “follow Jesus” but to drop my net.

It wasn’t long after, that all the pieces fell into place, and it was time to leave a job, that in so many ways, I loved.  But perhaps more importantly, placed my identity in.  I had white knuckled it so long on the ledge, that I was tired, and in a split second, released all my fingers and fell back, hoping to be caught by God or to at least provide some cushion for the landing. I let it all go.

In my prayer life, I feel close to the first disciples, probably saying much of the same words that they did …. “Where are we going Jesus?”  “Why would you want to go there Jesus?” “Are you sure that these are the people you want us to help Jesus?”  “When are you going to use your mighty God power and make life right for us Jesus?” “I am not worthy Jesus.”  “Oh I will never abandon you Jesus!” “Of course I love you Jesus” Even when I hear myself say these phrases I think I am the first to utter them, but it doesn’t take long to realize that I am not. That so many have gone before me asking the same questions.

I think when I started this blog, I was really unaware of all the things that I didn’t, and still don’t have answers to.  What is this gift of faith, why do some people just seem to have it and others struggle so much with it?  What can I do to help those who struggle with their faith come to know and love God more? After all I am the “Director of Young Adult Ministry for the Diocese of Ogdensburg” shouldn’t I be able to bring others to Jesus, to the church or at least to World Youth Day?!  

Faith is a journey, a relationship that begins with someone who treats you a little bit like Jesus would.  And like all relationships in involves trust, interaction, asking for forgiveness when necessary, and action and sometimes -- sacrifice.  When we love someone on this earth it is amazing when we think of what we will do to show them that we love them. It is the same with our relationship with God. When I was young, I was fortunate to meet so many people who, when I look back, where Jesus to me and helped me to understand his love for me and for others. Who taught me what was required to be a follower of Jesus and who were “in it” with me so that I would eventually see that I could be Jesus for someone else.  It is time for me to take on the role more fully, and I am much more aware, that I am called to live as a believer in a way that would make others also want to know Jesus.  Like always, it means to put the fear aside and get at it!

Our culture thrives from people being afraid to talk about God and what He has done for them in their lives, that there is really no other way to live but to love God and to love others, especially those who are oppressed.  The Church is in such a state of change, not in the changes some people have been waiting for, women clergy, gay marriage, etc. etc. but fundamental change – the change within our own hearts, that opens are vision to ourselves in relationship WITH God, no longer on our own,an opportunity to love God with open hands, knowing that He is with us!

 

Under the Broom Tree

So much food in the readings today! It is just a reminder that we need to keep ourselves fueled, both physically and spiritually.  I just love the first reading from 1 Kings 19; Elijah heads into the dessert and makes it one day before sitting under the broom tree and literally asking God to take his life … I think it is the Old Testament version of “enough all ready!”.  Elijah tells God that he is no better than his ancestors and so why, why would God think that he can use him to bring about something good.  You can just tell that Elijah is tired, hungry and just can’t go on, and would rather just die under that broom tree.  And so he falls asleep.  Given up.  But that is not God’s plan and so he sends an angel to, “order” not ask or inspire or nudge, but “orders” Elijah to get up and then he sees the food that his body needed and so he takes the food and eats it, and … he goes back to sleep!  And so the angel must come again, and “ordered” him again to get up and eat and move along on the journey that is his to complete. And from that one day on his own in the dessert, once taken the food from heaven, he is able to journey 40 days and 40 nights!

There have been times in my life where I know what the journey is that God wants me to go on, I can feel it to the core of my being what God is asking me to do. I begin my journey into the dessert, and yea, within 1 day, I am sitting under my broom tree, asking God to just end it here, saying “enough all already!” Then  God gives me what I need to continue on the journey, maybe food doesn’t pop out of nowhere, but someone will say an encouraging word, all the sudden a problem is solved that was holding me back, so many things happen in a miraculous way.  I take the experience and find myself, instead of getting up and continuing the journey, I lie back down, and find some other reason not to go on.  Sometimes we are in such despair of our own journey, that we do wish that we would be let off the hook.  Then, God sends another message, and we find ourselves, IF we nourish ourselves in the food that He gives us, an ability to continue our journey and accomplish things that we never thought we could.  The nourishment from heaven strengthens us, we don’t know how it does but it does and that is grace.  God changes us.

Elijah felt that he was no better than his ancestors, that somehow where he came from destined him to be “less than” God had intended for him.  In the Gospel reading, the people around Jesus heard him refer to himself as the “bread that came down from heaven” and they are confused, because isn’t he the son of Joseph and Mary?  Isn’t he just a kid from our town?  What good can really come out of Nazareth?  Have you ever tried to change something about yourself, and find that those closest to you are the ones that are making it hardest for you to change?  I have always been on a diet it seems, and when I am motivated to change it is those closest to me that seem to tell me that I am fine the way I am, or offer me delicious foods, etc.  Think of all the preconceptions people have of those who are recovering alcoholics or drug abusers , or people who have spent time in prison, how hard it is for people to change their lives, not because of a lack of wanting to or knowing they have to but because of the lack of support in their own communities.  Even us “christians” have to ask ourselves am I allowing people to change in the spirit of God or am I contributing to holding them back from their own journeys, the road that God has put them on, and has all the confidence in the world that they will walk 40 days and 40 nights – given the proper nourishment.  

In that small second reading, Paul reminds us,  “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us as a sacrificial offering to God for a fragrant aroma.”

Live in love, forgive one another, support one another, this is the call we receive from our Father in heaven.  Each day we recite the Our Lord’s prayer, and we ask God for forgiveness as we forgive others. Many times we tell people that they need to “forgive themselves” but the reality is, that if we do not forgive those that God places in our lives, we will never be able to feel God’s forgiveness of our own trespasses.  If we never have the chance to really love another, we will never be able to feel God’s love for us.  So get out there, and live and love so that you can feel what it means for God to love and forgive you.

Jesus is the bread of life… and we receive that life through the Eucharist, like the food sent to Elijah, in a moment of great need to continue his journey, we come to the altar – in need, and we receive that which is Jesus, and we consume Him, that small piece of bread, enters into our body, and becomes a part of every one of our cells, so that we know longer know where we end and where God begins, we change, we are able to be imitators of God because we have Him in us.  What would happen if the world knew this? It is our journey to make it known by our words and our actions; it is known because we are not afraid to speak of God in us, we don’t care where we came from but know that God has something awesome in store for our lives and that is the life we want to grab on to. Love one another, forgive those who we never thought we could, and experience freedom, the real kind.   

Teach Me Your Ways O Lord . . .

We all have lessons to learn … everyday.  If life is lived well, then everyday has been a lesson; hopefully a lesson in holiness.  Time is going by so fast that it is hard to believe that the holidays have passed so quickly, and we find ourselves back in “ordinary time”.  But as we live our lives it doesn’t seem like “ordinary times” at all. This weekend our attentions turn to Washington DC and the March for Life.  So many of our brothers and sisters from the Diocese have made the trek to stand up for Life, have a voice and be counted.  In the Gospel we continue to see Jesus choosing his disciples, asking them to leave the familiar and follow him.  As usual, our weekly readings relate to the events of life.  This will be my first March for Life and I am looking forward to learning from those I will meet these two days of travel. 

But I truly believe that honesty is the best policy, and as I have been struggling to write this blog this week, trying harder to make myself look good, rather than write what I struggle with – I have chose to be honest. I have such admiration for those who have taken time out of their lives to attend this march -- to leave families, the comfort of their own homes, put themselves out to chaperone buses filled with teens - who will have an opportunity to experience the freedom of speech and to gather in one voice in triumph for those who cannot speak for themselves -is inspirational, and here I sit, a little less than excited about sleeping the next two nights on a bus, diving into a crowd in possibly bad weather to speak up for something I don’t even know will ever change. I am ashamed to say it, but I am not leaving tomorrow with positive excitement.  As a Catholic, I have always wondered if I should vote simply on the person who promises to reverse Roe vs Wade in their campaign speech. Conservative Republicans have come and gone promising to uphold the core values that we believe in and still there is no change. Roe vs Wade has not been reversed, family values have not been upheld and it seems that Hollywood has much more influence in how our government makes decisions than a group of hundreds and thousands of Christians who believe in the sanctity of life right outside the government leaders doors.  The March for Life, reminds me of the fact that our families are dying, that kids are more apt to take advice from MTV than a loving parent, that men still do not see themselves as the leaders of their families, that girls grow up not knowing their own worth and therefore settle for the love of those who will not cherish them but simply use their bodies. It reminds me that we live in a culture that sex is as casual as a handshake and that we lie not only with our words but with our bodies. That we have such a difficult time admitting that our hearts are broken, and we are left yearning for something more and yet we know it can only be satisfied by God. It seems that politicians say what they need to say in order to get elected but never see themselves as servants to all of us who just want to have a good, decent life. It overwhelms me to know that the Abortion issue is a result of all of our sins, and it is our responsibility to live in a way that would never make a woman or a girl, a man or a boy even think about killing their own child.  We live in a culture where Grandma is denied cataract surgery and grandpa is offered Viagra – children live in poverty in single parent homes and wall street bankers get bailed out!

I think that many people are not so different than me, overwhelmed with all the rhetoric. What is the right answer? Why do we not march for the life and sanctity of families, because I really think that it is the cause of such evils as abortion. We have forgotten the importance of the mother and father and their roles in the home and in society. We have been told that we do not need to feel that we are getting older, stay young -- when we can’t, and that it is a sin not to take up our role as mature adults, especially in the lives of our children, all the world’s children.  There is nothing that I have been more sure of than God’s presence at the birth of my son, the gift of life.  His conception was all wrong, but God made a beautiful perfection from an unholy mess. I, like many of the women who are the center of this debate, found myself alone, penniless and afraid, but I had something that many, if not all, the women who have abortions don’t have, and that is that many years ago, someone took my hand and placed it into the hand of Jesus and taught me how to trust in Him and in nothing else. When I found myself alone, because of my doubt and sin, I knew right away that Jesus was by my side and that we would get through it together – if everyday I asked myself if I had done all that I could, and if I was honest about it. Like the disciples that Jesus choose to be his followers, we have to help people put their hand in Jesus’ hand, we have to evangelize to others – we have to give our time so that the children in our church and community will feel loved and protected, and will never feel less than the beautiful perfection God made them, and then they will never find themselves in front of an abortion clinic – not because it is against the law, but because they know they are a child of God.

Know your faith – and then use your time to pass it along, be a part of teaching the faith.

So it is 11 days until the Young Adult Retreat “Metanoia” will be held.  I continue to pray for those who may be hearing God’s call to get a hold of a registration form. I think I have invited everyone that has come across my path, and have begged those around me to do the same, and so now we wait.  Like the girls in the last Sunday’s readings, I am making sure that the lamps are burning bright and that there is plenty of oil in case we wait a long time and the lamps need to be refilled. We are ready! 

And then I read the readings for this coming Sunday . . . Mt 25; 14-30 The Parable of the Talents.  I find comfort in this reading after a few hours of meditating on it, but not at first. I tend to be like the third worker, if you give me something to hold on to, I will take good care of it -- but I am not so sure that I would go and gamble it away hoping to be able to give you more when you get back. I am probably going to hope that you are happy with me that whatever it is, is returned in the same condition you gave it to me. But in this parable it is easy to see that God expects more from us than that. God has given us all of our talents, everything we have, especially our faith, and I suppose that God, as told to us through Jesus, expects us to spread the Good News. In spreading the news, we will work with God in the conversion of souls.  I suppose that is why we should not be content with merely our own salvation. Since God gives us everything, even our reputation, the fact that people think we are good, trustworthy, etc. I risk that mainstream reputation when I take on a further call to spread the Good News as it is lived out in my own gospel, the experience of Jesus Christ within my own life. How will others see me; a Jesus freak? (Oh and by the way we will not even mention the fear that people will uncover that I am really a phony, full of air, and able to pop with the slightest touch; who am I to speak on God’s behalf.) But I am reminded over and over again, that if I hear the call and do not respond, it is not only me that suffers, but my friends, my neighbors and the world. If I am given words to say, a life of joy and enthusiasm for Jesus, and I repress it, than no one gets the benefit of the message. And when we, collectively, decide we will not take up our call, than that is compounded a million times! What kind of world will we then have? Should we be surprised of the world we live in now? Lately I have been looking for a bumper sticker that says, “If not you, then who?” And so in the Parable this week, I have often wondered what would happen if at least one of them would have come back saying, “Um, I tried to make you some more and well, it didn’t go so good, so I actually have nothing to give back.” But I suppose that this is not even an option. That when one takes what they have been given, whatever the talent, and believe that it really, ultimately belongs to the Master, and takes care of that talent with passion and respect, there is no way that it will not multiply. That is part of this lesson, to believe, to live a life of passion for what you are hearing God say to you, and know that we are fertile ground and we will be more than we were at the beginning of this journey. As I close this day, I remember the words from the writings of Julian of Norwich, " ... All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well". And I hear God's gentle voice in my head saying, "Of course it will be."