Letting Go of the Net

I have been quiet, especially in this blog this year. It is hard to believe, when I think back on the enthusiasm that once ran through my whole being about the opportunity to share this gift of faith.  The problem is, I don’t think that I ever realized what a “gift” it was, and in so many ways, we do so little for this great gift and that it is all about God’s grace.

In the last few years I can honestly say that I have had the pleasure of having a “relationship” with God. A relationship that goes back and forth, I hear God speaking to me, and I truly listen. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense to me, but I forge on ahead, in a way, blindly believing what I hear. There have been way too many incidences in which God has made himself known to me, I really can’t think that I am crazy, though I have often used it at the beginning of my conversations, when I suffer from fear of being judged.  There is not a day that I don’t feel close to God, that He is with me, though like any good parent, he tries to teach the listen, give the advice and in the end it is ultimately up to me if love will come to life with action.

In the past year, I have heard God speak to me very much about my future, it didn’t really have a “game plan” now that I look back, just a promise of salvation and an opportunity to be with Him and others as we rebuild His church.  I heard Him tell me to “follow Him”, I really wanted to, for maybe the first time in my life, I could truly say that I LOVED God, in a relationship, not just because it felt that this is what we say, especially if we are working in the Church.  But then He brought me one step closer …. He told me that I would have to “drop my net”. 

For a long time I was so dissatisfied with my life and in the work I was doing.  But mostly, I was ashamed at the deceitful way I was living, often telling people what they wanted to hear so that I could keep my life comfortable. It began to be clear to me that, not only was it not fair to me and keeping me in sin, it wasn’t fair to those around me. Though I was in many, many instances telling people the truth of how I felt or understood things, it was my actions that spoke louder than my words and they didn’t add up.  I felt literally torn in half, and the more I was falling in love with Jesus, the more torn I was. 

Last summer, my father passed away.  I had always dreaded even the thought of losing a parent, I had never experienced it before, and how was I going to act.  I was my father’s health care proxy, and so during the process I felt very responsible for decisions I would have to make on my father’s behalf.  By some grace, during those last final days, I found strength and peace that I thought were impossible for me, and maybe even more impossible for our relationship.  I have to say, other than the birth of my son, I felt God’s presence, as sure as if He were sitting in the chair next to me.  My father, had a day before he passed, in which he was very coherent, and he was able to take the time and speak to each one of us, and in his amazingly humble way (sadly caused my his inability to recognize his own worth in this life) relieved my pain of thinking that he thought I didn’t love him because of the decisions I had made in the last few years. It wasn’t what I would have asked for, but it sure was what I needed to hear. I knew that my father loved me, but I also know that love can only be given within a person’s capacity.  During the last days of his life, he showed us that God was there, especially when he received the Eucharist for the last time on this earth, my father’s eyes were straight ahead, and radiated love so pure – I had only seen this one time before, and that was in my son’s eyes the evening I believe he said goodbye to the angels that delivered him to my care.  God was sitting in the room with us, and they, meaning the Holy Trinity and Mary were there to finally bring my father home … his earthly life had been hard, especially hard was his relationships with his own parents, and I knew that Mary, the mother of us all, was there to really show him true love.  It was so life changing to be in that room those few days. I knew that I couldn’t go back to the life I was living … that it was not just time to “follow Jesus” but to drop my net.

It wasn’t long after, that all the pieces fell into place, and it was time to leave a job, that in so many ways, I loved.  But perhaps more importantly, placed my identity in.  I had white knuckled it so long on the ledge, that I was tired, and in a split second, released all my fingers and fell back, hoping to be caught by God or to at least provide some cushion for the landing. I let it all go.

In my prayer life, I feel close to the first disciples, probably saying much of the same words that they did …. “Where are we going Jesus?”  “Why would you want to go there Jesus?” “Are you sure that these are the people you want us to help Jesus?”  “When are you going to use your mighty God power and make life right for us Jesus?” “I am not worthy Jesus.”  “Oh I will never abandon you Jesus!” “Of course I love you Jesus” Even when I hear myself say these phrases I think I am the first to utter them, but it doesn’t take long to realize that I am not. That so many have gone before me asking the same questions.

I think when I started this blog, I was really unaware of all the things that I didn’t, and still don’t have answers to.  What is this gift of faith, why do some people just seem to have it and others struggle so much with it?  What can I do to help those who struggle with their faith come to know and love God more? After all I am the “Director of Young Adult Ministry for the Diocese of Ogdensburg” shouldn’t I be able to bring others to Jesus, to the church or at least to World Youth Day?!  

Faith is a journey, a relationship that begins with someone who treats you a little bit like Jesus would.  And like all relationships in involves trust, interaction, asking for forgiveness when necessary, and action and sometimes -- sacrifice.  When we love someone on this earth it is amazing when we think of what we will do to show them that we love them. It is the same with our relationship with God. When I was young, I was fortunate to meet so many people who, when I look back, where Jesus to me and helped me to understand his love for me and for others. Who taught me what was required to be a follower of Jesus and who were “in it” with me so that I would eventually see that I could be Jesus for someone else.  It is time for me to take on the role more fully, and I am much more aware, that I am called to live as a believer in a way that would make others also want to know Jesus.  Like always, it means to put the fear aside and get at it!

Our culture thrives from people being afraid to talk about God and what He has done for them in their lives, that there is really no other way to live but to love God and to love others, especially those who are oppressed.  The Church is in such a state of change, not in the changes some people have been waiting for, women clergy, gay marriage, etc. etc. but fundamental change – the change within our own hearts, that opens are vision to ourselves in relationship WITH God, no longer on our own,an opportunity to love God with open hands, knowing that He is with us!

 

Epiphany – God’s Way of Saying “Get Moving!”

I Googled “Epiphany” images and found this one and thought how wonderful it was. This small child certainly looks like he/she has had an “epiphany” and I thought how much this picture symbolizes what we should be like when we think about the miraculous event of Christmas; that God has loved us so much that He sent his only begotten son to live among us and to teach us what it means to be a son or daughter of God.  I don’t know about you, but I want to be like this when I encounter Jesus in my life. Like the shepherds and the wise men, have we seen our star; that light that calls us out of our comfort zone, that thing that gives us hope that our lives can be different – better?  We all have something inside of us that leaves us yearning for something more, searching for meaning of our existence and I think that God gives us the light in the darkness, but so often we ignore that it is God. God calls us, just like the shepherds and the wise men to get moving – to find the treasure that lies beneath the star that God shines brightly for each one of us. We all reach our Epiphany at different times, in different ways, God has a journey for each one of us and He offers the greatest gift, if we will take the journey, trust in Him and believe that God is truly with us.

Thankful for the Beginning of Metanoia

Usually the writings of this blog are inspired by the readings for the upcoming week, but this week I plan to do something a little different. I am coming back from a few days off, celebrating the Thanksgiving week with my family, which has truly left me feeling humbled and blessed. Although we don’t have the numbers that other families are blessed with, as we sat around our small table (in our pajamas this year) we realized that we had so much to be Thankful for. Among those things, is the opportunity to be the Director of Young Adult Ministry and a family that is as dedicated as I am. A mother who jumps in and takes care of so much so that my dream can be realized to work for the church, while maintaining a job that also is very fulfilling is enough to be thankful for. And thankful for such a good son who understands why sometimes I have to be away, and already at the age of 12 understands that people need to stand up for what we believe in, even if that means he goes to bed without my kiss or hugs some nights. A am humbled to be a single mother and somehow can keep our life going, when I am well aware that in other countries the plight of single mothers is to beg on the street for any morsel of food, or to even sell your child in hopes that this little one will have a better life somewhere outside your arms. “Only by the grace of God go I” is my mantra.

I am grateful for the beautiful women I met on our first Metanoia retreat and the wonderful people, especially Fr. Al Hauser, who jumped in and made it happen as I was wrestling with the devil. Without him, or the Kilians, the retreat would not have been possible. I want to talk too, about the power of God, when two or three gathered there He is in our midst and it has never been so powerful for me as it was during the Metanoia retreat. So much so, that when it was over, I, like the first disciples, found myself wanting to hide in the upper room -- in awe and wondering of what the real meaning of the experience meant; not only to me but to the future of our church.  I want to make it clear, that it had nothing to do with me, it was purely God.  It wasn’t an experience of something that will change everything in itself, but it was a seed of something that could grow so powerful. In so many ways, in the experiencing of the retreat, it became something different than I even dreamed about when the planning of this event began. For me, the power of God’s presence and the insistent presence of the devil within me left me in a place in which I will forever be changed.  There were so many factors that could have stopped this retreat from happening that when I list them all I wonder how it actually got off the ground, but it did. I knew it before but I am even more convinced than ever, that God will always win over evil if we merely help the fight. It is by no coincidence, though I didn’t put it all together, that the first Metanoia retreat was held the weekend of Christ the King. But I also know how weak we are, even when we don’t want to be.  The most beautiful element of the retreat is that the participants were able to just “be” with God, one of the things that we often forget to do. We spoke of the demands of the world, how we get our appreciation and self worth from what we “do” and in God’s eyes, He loves us simply because we “are”. If only we could see ourselves as God sees us!! Thank you to Jamie, Samantha, Carmel, Jen and Kelley for saying "yes" to the unknown, and for sharing of yourselves to our first small group.

As we anticipate the birth of the Christ-child, we are reminded to envelope ourselves in “silent nights” – to simply just meditate on our lives, that are often lived in darkness and in a state of loneliness. If we can reach deep down into ourselves and be honest, how we could get to the end of Advent with such a yearning for Christ to enter our lives in a whole new way, with both hands wanting to hold that Christ baby in loving embrace – and oh how he would love to share his wondrous joy with us, no more darkness, no more loneliness and a promise to walk beside us, all the days of our lives.

Humility is a strange thing; once you think you got it, you've lost it!

This week it is important for us church workers to hear the words of Jesus. Jesus says, “ They preach but they do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they will not lift a finger to move them. All their works are performed to be seen… they love places of honor…”  Church work tends to, if being honest, connect us to our humble side. When we are honest with ourselves, we know that the power comes from God, that left alone we can really muck things up. When we have an awesome meeting, or encounter, when we are inspired and are able to somehow bring that inspiration to life, we must understand that the power is from God and that He is working through us to touch the people that have been placed in our care. But Church workers are human, and like everyone else we want to be recognized for the hard work that we put into it, the long hours and the sacrifices in our personal lives in order to do God’s work. But we have to be careful, because even though we are doing “God’s work” we have to know that we are more than the actions that we do, and that God loves us, no matter what we do or don’t do, the successes and the failures, even in the moments when we feel defeated and discouraged. We have to watch that we don’t see ourselves different than those we serve, our common denominator is that we are all broken in some ways and all glorious in others. We have a lot to learn from those we serve. Jesus also reminds us that we have to be living this Christian life as well as spreading the Good News. This week at Religious Ed classes, the children and I talked about what a Christian should look like … and we all decided that a Christian who is really living out the Good News should look happy and joyful, not all depressed and down, after all our actions maybe the only Gospel someone encounters. We should be showing people how awesome life can be with God, not that life is easy but that our lives show hope for something more. 

We work hard to help others experience a conversion,(Metanoia) but sometimes we have to slow down a little bit, and not place heavy burdens on the shoulders of others, especially if we are not going to “lift a finger to move them”, as Jesus says. We continually have to be mindful that conversion is hard, and scary and sometimes almost impossible in a world like ours, but we have to help people see that they are not alone. After all, we know from the readings the past few weeks, that the key is love, to love as Jesus did, in the role of the patient, self sacrificing servant. “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled; but whoever humbles himself will be exalted”.

As I was writing this, another thought drifted in. Perhaps it is important for us to pat our church workers on the back, not because the event or class went perfectly, perhaps it is simply so that person will not be starved for recognition and begin to work in a way that satisfies that need instead of the needs of parishioners.  Perhaps it is important for us to stop our church volunteers and staff, and say thank you and give them a little love, perhaps it will make all the difference in the world. This upcoming week the North Country Catholic will be publishing the Priest Appreciation Issue, take time to thank those that keep our Church going, in an imperfect world, that is dying to know God.

Date Set for CreationFest 2012!

I wanted to post some of the videos that came out of CreationFest 2011 this  year, in hopes that it would inspire Young Adults and their families to consider coming with us to CreationFest 2012. It is an amazing experience to be with so many people of different faiths, all coming together to worship the Creator! Amazing bands, amazing vistas, awesome Christian speakers who inspire. This year at CreationFest Northeast, Justin Fatica, a Catholic speaker and founder of Hard As Nails Ministry was the first, yes the first, Catholic speaker to take the main stage. He was awesome, and inspiring! Check out the videos, and put the date, June 27 to 30th in your calendar for next year. If you have teen kids, they will LOVE it! It is the Christian Woodstock!

Take the Treasure or Buy the Field?

Image by quadrapop via Flickr

In the reading for the upcoming Sunday, Jesus tells more parables.  Jesus tells the disciples that:  “The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure that is buried in a field, which a person finds and hides again, and out of joy goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” I think that it is really important for the young church to hear these words from Jesus. I think that we walk around this world thinking that things are going to come easy. Or we at least hope that they will. But Jesus is very clear, that the person who found the buried treasure didn’t just take it on the sly and run with it. He or she actually reburied it and went and sold all that he/she had and bought the field. This really makes the buried treasure rightfully his or hers.  Finding God or a Church that becomes a sacrament of Jesus for us, is really something that we have to sell all we have for. We have to give up all the things that we thought our life would hold, and have trust in this faith of ours that God will break us open and make us new, and better than we ever thought we could be and our life could be and in turn a better world than we could ever imagine. Letting go of all our planning and scheming for our own life is scary, and it is so anti-cultural since our world tells us that we are the designers of our own destiny. Without that ultimate letting go we cannot become the person that God sees in us. God’s mind is so much wider and deeper than we can ever imagine.

I think that the question for us to ask ourselves, as the young people of our church is– what are we prepared to pay for that field that holds the kingdom of God? What are we willing to give our church so that it can be a reflection of God’s kingdom here on earth? As I said in other blog entries, we are not meant to do this religion thing alone, we are meant to reach out to those around us, and to give who we are so that in turn we can be the best of who we are.

Are we trying to sneak off with the buried treasure without buying the field?

Watch the movie, Of God and Men, totally worth living through the subtitles ... great example of men who bought the field!