Letting Go of the Net

I have been quiet, especially in this blog this year. It is hard to believe, when I think back on the enthusiasm that once ran through my whole being about the opportunity to share this gift of faith.  The problem is, I don’t think that I ever realized what a “gift” it was, and in so many ways, we do so little for this great gift and that it is all about God’s grace.

In the last few years I can honestly say that I have had the pleasure of having a “relationship” with God. A relationship that goes back and forth, I hear God speaking to me, and I truly listen. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense to me, but I forge on ahead, in a way, blindly believing what I hear. There have been way too many incidences in which God has made himself known to me, I really can’t think that I am crazy, though I have often used it at the beginning of my conversations, when I suffer from fear of being judged.  There is not a day that I don’t feel close to God, that He is with me, though like any good parent, he tries to teach the listen, give the advice and in the end it is ultimately up to me if love will come to life with action.

In the past year, I have heard God speak to me very much about my future, it didn’t really have a “game plan” now that I look back, just a promise of salvation and an opportunity to be with Him and others as we rebuild His church.  I heard Him tell me to “follow Him”, I really wanted to, for maybe the first time in my life, I could truly say that I LOVED God, in a relationship, not just because it felt that this is what we say, especially if we are working in the Church.  But then He brought me one step closer …. He told me that I would have to “drop my net”. 

For a long time I was so dissatisfied with my life and in the work I was doing.  But mostly, I was ashamed at the deceitful way I was living, often telling people what they wanted to hear so that I could keep my life comfortable. It began to be clear to me that, not only was it not fair to me and keeping me in sin, it wasn’t fair to those around me. Though I was in many, many instances telling people the truth of how I felt or understood things, it was my actions that spoke louder than my words and they didn’t add up.  I felt literally torn in half, and the more I was falling in love with Jesus, the more torn I was. 

Last summer, my father passed away.  I had always dreaded even the thought of losing a parent, I had never experienced it before, and how was I going to act.  I was my father’s health care proxy, and so during the process I felt very responsible for decisions I would have to make on my father’s behalf.  By some grace, during those last final days, I found strength and peace that I thought were impossible for me, and maybe even more impossible for our relationship.  I have to say, other than the birth of my son, I felt God’s presence, as sure as if He were sitting in the chair next to me.  My father, had a day before he passed, in which he was very coherent, and he was able to take the time and speak to each one of us, and in his amazingly humble way (sadly caused my his inability to recognize his own worth in this life) relieved my pain of thinking that he thought I didn’t love him because of the decisions I had made in the last few years. It wasn’t what I would have asked for, but it sure was what I needed to hear. I knew that my father loved me, but I also know that love can only be given within a person’s capacity.  During the last days of his life, he showed us that God was there, especially when he received the Eucharist for the last time on this earth, my father’s eyes were straight ahead, and radiated love so pure – I had only seen this one time before, and that was in my son’s eyes the evening I believe he said goodbye to the angels that delivered him to my care.  God was sitting in the room with us, and they, meaning the Holy Trinity and Mary were there to finally bring my father home … his earthly life had been hard, especially hard was his relationships with his own parents, and I knew that Mary, the mother of us all, was there to really show him true love.  It was so life changing to be in that room those few days. I knew that I couldn’t go back to the life I was living … that it was not just time to “follow Jesus” but to drop my net.

It wasn’t long after, that all the pieces fell into place, and it was time to leave a job, that in so many ways, I loved.  But perhaps more importantly, placed my identity in.  I had white knuckled it so long on the ledge, that I was tired, and in a split second, released all my fingers and fell back, hoping to be caught by God or to at least provide some cushion for the landing. I let it all go.

In my prayer life, I feel close to the first disciples, probably saying much of the same words that they did …. “Where are we going Jesus?”  “Why would you want to go there Jesus?” “Are you sure that these are the people you want us to help Jesus?”  “When are you going to use your mighty God power and make life right for us Jesus?” “I am not worthy Jesus.”  “Oh I will never abandon you Jesus!” “Of course I love you Jesus” Even when I hear myself say these phrases I think I am the first to utter them, but it doesn’t take long to realize that I am not. That so many have gone before me asking the same questions.

I think when I started this blog, I was really unaware of all the things that I didn’t, and still don’t have answers to.  What is this gift of faith, why do some people just seem to have it and others struggle so much with it?  What can I do to help those who struggle with their faith come to know and love God more? After all I am the “Director of Young Adult Ministry for the Diocese of Ogdensburg” shouldn’t I be able to bring others to Jesus, to the church or at least to World Youth Day?!  

Faith is a journey, a relationship that begins with someone who treats you a little bit like Jesus would.  And like all relationships in involves trust, interaction, asking for forgiveness when necessary, and action and sometimes -- sacrifice.  When we love someone on this earth it is amazing when we think of what we will do to show them that we love them. It is the same with our relationship with God. When I was young, I was fortunate to meet so many people who, when I look back, where Jesus to me and helped me to understand his love for me and for others. Who taught me what was required to be a follower of Jesus and who were “in it” with me so that I would eventually see that I could be Jesus for someone else.  It is time for me to take on the role more fully, and I am much more aware, that I am called to live as a believer in a way that would make others also want to know Jesus.  Like always, it means to put the fear aside and get at it!

Our culture thrives from people being afraid to talk about God and what He has done for them in their lives, that there is really no other way to live but to love God and to love others, especially those who are oppressed.  The Church is in such a state of change, not in the changes some people have been waiting for, women clergy, gay marriage, etc. etc. but fundamental change – the change within our own hearts, that opens are vision to ourselves in relationship WITH God, no longer on our own,an opportunity to love God with open hands, knowing that He is with us!

 

Where were you on 9/11?

Where were you on September 11th, 2001? It is a question that I am sure is being asked today, as our nation remembers the day our world changed with a quick strike of violence. I remember where I was, I was in my car driving to a job interview, and when I got to the interview, everyone was very distracted of the story that was being watched on tv and heard on the radio; I remember thinking that it just was so unreal, that this couldn't be happening. It was very frightening, as the news of other planes dropping out of the sky and innocent people, just going about their business lost their lives, made last minute phone calls to love ones and then where just gone! It was just unbelievable. All I wanted to do was get home with my 2 year old son and just hold him close to me. I just wanted to be with people I loved, and suddenly the future was unsure.

We humans are a funny bunch, because 11 years have passed, and in some ways, we have forgotten about the terror of that day; we have somehow been able to get back to the daily concerns of our lives. But I think that it was amazing that the whole country that day, understood that life is really not in our hands and that it can be taken away from us at any time. Do we use up our days to their fullest or do we live each day like it could be our last? Do we take the opportunity to help our neighbor when called on? Do we say "yes" to all the sacrifices that God puts before us for our love of Him and for his people? Do we put our lives in prospective each moment of the day? Do we tell people that they matter to us? Do we forgive those who have hurt us so that we are no longer held captive by our own resentment, anger or hurt?

Today, let us pray for those souls that were innocently going about their business that day, let us honor them today by not letting this day, which is a gift from God go by without our notice; begin today to be present in this day, say hello to that stranger going by, tell your family you love them and put your life in perspective. I really believe that those who lost their lives that day, our begging us to never forget, and to be present to the day God has given us. 

To Pay or Not to Pay?

Sometimes the readings for the day just make us scratch our heads and say “Huh?” which I think is the reaction we may have to today’s readings. But fear not, there is much to see in the readings for today. I think as we head into this election year, they may be very fitting to what we got going on these days.

Does Jesus pay the temple taxes? – is the topic of the day. Remember the Jewish leaders were really trying to find something on this guy and at every turn they really thought that they would get them. We also have to remember that the temple tax was what the Jewish people paid, not to keep the temple going so much, but they saw it as atonement for their sins, and were commanded to do so in Exodus 30. Now since Jesus was the Son of God and was sinless, was it necessary for him to pay this tax? You also have to wonder if, being asked the question, was Peter just answering the question in a way that would not cause trouble and did he really know if Jesus actually paid the tax or not. Can you imagine Peter walking into the room where Jesus was and him thinking, how to bring up the subject with Jesus in paying this tax? After being told by Jesus himself that he would be taken and killed, it would be natural for Peter to want to keep Jesus out of trouble. Jesus though, knows exactly what Peter needs, and that is an answer to this tax issue. Jesus brings up the issue of the temple tax, it seems pretty clear that Jesus probably doesn’t, really have to pay the tax when looked at theologically, but even Jesus agrees to pay the tax “not to offend them”.  So he tells Peter to pay the tax, gives him a way to get the money to pay for it, and pays for Peter’s tax as well.  So what does that tell us now and why is it so important in our own time and world?

Peter, represents the Church in scripture, and often, the Church is always is in a balancing act between the political world and the spiritual. It is one of the reasons why I am proud to be a Catholic -- we ARE a voice in the world and we do not hide from commenting and exercising our religious rights in order for good to be done in the world. No, we do not endorse candidates or have big dinner parties to raise money for a particular party, but we are the voice of the poor and disenfranchised, and so many Catholics not only talk about rights of the poor, they actually give up their own lives for those in need. Hopefully, you have heard the continuing issues that arise from the recent HHS Mandate.  Check out The 6 Things Everyone Should Know About the HHS Mandate at http://usccb.org/news/2012/12-021.cfm.  Many lawsuits by Catholic Dioceses and organizations have been filed to fight this mandate that forces us, Catholics, to pay for things that we are absolutely morally opposed to; and many of these lawsuits have already been dismissed in favor of the government mandate.  So what do we do as Catholics? Last week, Gus Lloyd, who is a well known Catholic author and has a morning radio show on the Catholic Channel, had callers call in to his show to answer the question “Should the Church pay the fines that will incur if Catholic institutions refuse to follow the mandate?” In the light of today’s Gospel reading, what do you think? Should the Church just do what the government wants them to do, so not to offend, should we practice civil disobedience and not follow the mandate and pay the fine, or do we go even further and not follow the mandate and refuse to pay the fine?

Notice in today’s reading, the coin to pay the fine was in a fish? Which I think, reminds us that the answers come from God, we must listen to Jesus words, do what He tells us, and the answer will be revealed.

Under the Broom Tree

So much food in the readings today! It is just a reminder that we need to keep ourselves fueled, both physically and spiritually.  I just love the first reading from 1 Kings 19; Elijah heads into the dessert and makes it one day before sitting under the broom tree and literally asking God to take his life … I think it is the Old Testament version of “enough all ready!”.  Elijah tells God that he is no better than his ancestors and so why, why would God think that he can use him to bring about something good.  You can just tell that Elijah is tired, hungry and just can’t go on, and would rather just die under that broom tree.  And so he falls asleep.  Given up.  But that is not God’s plan and so he sends an angel to, “order” not ask or inspire or nudge, but “orders” Elijah to get up and then he sees the food that his body needed and so he takes the food and eats it, and … he goes back to sleep!  And so the angel must come again, and “ordered” him again to get up and eat and move along on the journey that is his to complete. And from that one day on his own in the dessert, once taken the food from heaven, he is able to journey 40 days and 40 nights!

There have been times in my life where I know what the journey is that God wants me to go on, I can feel it to the core of my being what God is asking me to do. I begin my journey into the dessert, and yea, within 1 day, I am sitting under my broom tree, asking God to just end it here, saying “enough all already!” Then  God gives me what I need to continue on the journey, maybe food doesn’t pop out of nowhere, but someone will say an encouraging word, all the sudden a problem is solved that was holding me back, so many things happen in a miraculous way.  I take the experience and find myself, instead of getting up and continuing the journey, I lie back down, and find some other reason not to go on.  Sometimes we are in such despair of our own journey, that we do wish that we would be let off the hook.  Then, God sends another message, and we find ourselves, IF we nourish ourselves in the food that He gives us, an ability to continue our journey and accomplish things that we never thought we could.  The nourishment from heaven strengthens us, we don’t know how it does but it does and that is grace.  God changes us.

Elijah felt that he was no better than his ancestors, that somehow where he came from destined him to be “less than” God had intended for him.  In the Gospel reading, the people around Jesus heard him refer to himself as the “bread that came down from heaven” and they are confused, because isn’t he the son of Joseph and Mary?  Isn’t he just a kid from our town?  What good can really come out of Nazareth?  Have you ever tried to change something about yourself, and find that those closest to you are the ones that are making it hardest for you to change?  I have always been on a diet it seems, and when I am motivated to change it is those closest to me that seem to tell me that I am fine the way I am, or offer me delicious foods, etc.  Think of all the preconceptions people have of those who are recovering alcoholics or drug abusers , or people who have spent time in prison, how hard it is for people to change their lives, not because of a lack of wanting to or knowing they have to but because of the lack of support in their own communities.  Even us “christians” have to ask ourselves am I allowing people to change in the spirit of God or am I contributing to holding them back from their own journeys, the road that God has put them on, and has all the confidence in the world that they will walk 40 days and 40 nights – given the proper nourishment.  

In that small second reading, Paul reminds us,  “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us as a sacrificial offering to God for a fragrant aroma.”

Live in love, forgive one another, support one another, this is the call we receive from our Father in heaven.  Each day we recite the Our Lord’s prayer, and we ask God for forgiveness as we forgive others. Many times we tell people that they need to “forgive themselves” but the reality is, that if we do not forgive those that God places in our lives, we will never be able to feel God’s forgiveness of our own trespasses.  If we never have the chance to really love another, we will never be able to feel God’s love for us.  So get out there, and live and love so that you can feel what it means for God to love and forgive you.

Jesus is the bread of life… and we receive that life through the Eucharist, like the food sent to Elijah, in a moment of great need to continue his journey, we come to the altar – in need, and we receive that which is Jesus, and we consume Him, that small piece of bread, enters into our body, and becomes a part of every one of our cells, so that we know longer know where we end and where God begins, we change, we are able to be imitators of God because we have Him in us.  What would happen if the world knew this? It is our journey to make it known by our words and our actions; it is known because we are not afraid to speak of God in us, we don’t care where we came from but know that God has something awesome in store for our lives and that is the life we want to grab on to. Love one another, forgive those who we never thought we could, and experience freedom, the real kind.   

Trying to be a good Catholic, but something ALWAYS comes up!

Do you remember the story recently about a teacher who was working for a religious school and suffered from narcolepsy, she left her position to seek medical treatment, and when she came back her position was no longer available. The Supreme Court, all 9 Justices unanimously ruled that religious law overrides civil law and that the teacher could not sue the institution for violation of the American Disabilities Act.  Now, it seems that everything has changed when speaking about reproduction and health care, it seems that religious law is not taken into consideration at all. I am confused as to how these rulings come about.

I try to be a good Catholic, and over and over again I miss the mark, and most of the time the struggle to be a good, socially conscious Catholic, is overwhelming and I begin to understand why so many have given up the fight. Don’t get me wrong I am not proposing that the Church “lighten up a bit” so that I can feel good about myself – because I do believe in the position of the Catholic Church on all counts. Once we begin to want to follow the Church it is more and more apparent of how the world is in real conflict with what God had intended for His creation. As a parent, it is very upsetting that we are, as in Luke writes, sending our children "like lambs among wolves".  It is disheartening, overwhelming, and apparent that we cannot be “good” Catholics on our own. I know for myself, I don’t know what to do.

Next weekend, the Bishop (Terry LaValley) has issued a letter to be placed in each bulletin throughout the Diocese explaining to the faithful the importance of us knowing about and understanding the latest ruling by the Dept of Health and Human Services that almost all employers, including Catholic employers, will be forced to offer their employees health coverage that includes sterilization, abortion-inducing drugs, and contraception.  Almost all health insurers will be forced to include those “services” in the health policies they write.  Almost all individuals will be forced to buy that coverage as a part of their policies.

As I said, I am very confused and kind of ashamed. I must admit that I have never really put that much thinking into what my insurance plan pays or doesn’t pay for and how that affects me. After all, my insurance plan pays for alcohol and drug rehab which I have never needed and hope never need! I had a sense that I was paying for things that I would never use, but that insurance was a “collective” way of paying health care costs, each of its members getting what they need. I never researched or asked if my insurance plan pays for infertility treatments or Viagra or abortions or the day after pill or transgender reassignment surgery or a host of other things that do not come into line with my beliefs as a Catholic. I just never thought about it. But now it is hard to ignore when we receive this information through our parishes. And again I find myself wondering if I have to make some hard choices.

I work for a non for profit agency, funded by federal, state and local monies. We receive a pretty good benefits package which includes a 50/50 share on health insurance. I know that if I went out and tried to purchase equal insurance on my own, it could send my family into financial ruin, or most probably we would join the millions of Americans who are uninsured. If we were to suffer a serious health issue, I would find myself in ruins. Am I not supposed to be responsible to my family and take care of the child that God has blessed me with the best way I can? And so I today, as I read the letter from the Bishop and I look on the internet for more information, I find myself once again, feeling like a horrible, weak Catholic – that I may choose to continue to accept the adequate insurance coverage I receive through my non-religious employment. I have no clue as I write this the answer . . .  but I have a feeling that I am not alone in my concern. Many Catholics find themselves conflicted with teachings ALL THE TIME!!

As I reflect on this and other topics, it always makes me think of the early church members, how they were trying to figure out how to follow Jesus in the midst of a world that seemed opposed (sound familiar?) Let us pray for all of us who are trying to live our faith, that we will have the courage to make the changes in our life necessary and the wisdom to trust God in this walk of our faith.

Maybe one way to start is to get involved is being a part of the NYS Catholic Conference Public Policy Day on March 13th, in Albany NY. You can get information from the website http://www.nyscatholic.org/?s=policy+day ; Please let me know if you are interested in participating; we will be having on line meetings as the date approaches.

Teach Me Your Ways O Lord . . .

We all have lessons to learn … everyday.  If life is lived well, then everyday has been a lesson; hopefully a lesson in holiness.  Time is going by so fast that it is hard to believe that the holidays have passed so quickly, and we find ourselves back in “ordinary time”.  But as we live our lives it doesn’t seem like “ordinary times” at all. This weekend our attentions turn to Washington DC and the March for Life.  So many of our brothers and sisters from the Diocese have made the trek to stand up for Life, have a voice and be counted.  In the Gospel we continue to see Jesus choosing his disciples, asking them to leave the familiar and follow him.  As usual, our weekly readings relate to the events of life.  This will be my first March for Life and I am looking forward to learning from those I will meet these two days of travel. 

But I truly believe that honesty is the best policy, and as I have been struggling to write this blog this week, trying harder to make myself look good, rather than write what I struggle with – I have chose to be honest. I have such admiration for those who have taken time out of their lives to attend this march -- to leave families, the comfort of their own homes, put themselves out to chaperone buses filled with teens - who will have an opportunity to experience the freedom of speech and to gather in one voice in triumph for those who cannot speak for themselves -is inspirational, and here I sit, a little less than excited about sleeping the next two nights on a bus, diving into a crowd in possibly bad weather to speak up for something I don’t even know will ever change. I am ashamed to say it, but I am not leaving tomorrow with positive excitement.  As a Catholic, I have always wondered if I should vote simply on the person who promises to reverse Roe vs Wade in their campaign speech. Conservative Republicans have come and gone promising to uphold the core values that we believe in and still there is no change. Roe vs Wade has not been reversed, family values have not been upheld and it seems that Hollywood has much more influence in how our government makes decisions than a group of hundreds and thousands of Christians who believe in the sanctity of life right outside the government leaders doors.  The March for Life, reminds me of the fact that our families are dying, that kids are more apt to take advice from MTV than a loving parent, that men still do not see themselves as the leaders of their families, that girls grow up not knowing their own worth and therefore settle for the love of those who will not cherish them but simply use their bodies. It reminds me that we live in a culture that sex is as casual as a handshake and that we lie not only with our words but with our bodies. That we have such a difficult time admitting that our hearts are broken, and we are left yearning for something more and yet we know it can only be satisfied by God. It seems that politicians say what they need to say in order to get elected but never see themselves as servants to all of us who just want to have a good, decent life. It overwhelms me to know that the Abortion issue is a result of all of our sins, and it is our responsibility to live in a way that would never make a woman or a girl, a man or a boy even think about killing their own child.  We live in a culture where Grandma is denied cataract surgery and grandpa is offered Viagra – children live in poverty in single parent homes and wall street bankers get bailed out!

I think that many people are not so different than me, overwhelmed with all the rhetoric. What is the right answer? Why do we not march for the life and sanctity of families, because I really think that it is the cause of such evils as abortion. We have forgotten the importance of the mother and father and their roles in the home and in society. We have been told that we do not need to feel that we are getting older, stay young -- when we can’t, and that it is a sin not to take up our role as mature adults, especially in the lives of our children, all the world’s children.  There is nothing that I have been more sure of than God’s presence at the birth of my son, the gift of life.  His conception was all wrong, but God made a beautiful perfection from an unholy mess. I, like many of the women who are the center of this debate, found myself alone, penniless and afraid, but I had something that many, if not all, the women who have abortions don’t have, and that is that many years ago, someone took my hand and placed it into the hand of Jesus and taught me how to trust in Him and in nothing else. When I found myself alone, because of my doubt and sin, I knew right away that Jesus was by my side and that we would get through it together – if everyday I asked myself if I had done all that I could, and if I was honest about it. Like the disciples that Jesus choose to be his followers, we have to help people put their hand in Jesus’ hand, we have to evangelize to others – we have to give our time so that the children in our church and community will feel loved and protected, and will never feel less than the beautiful perfection God made them, and then they will never find themselves in front of an abortion clinic – not because it is against the law, but because they know they are a child of God.

Know your faith – and then use your time to pass it along, be a part of teaching the faith.

Feast of the Immaculate Conception - Happy Mother's Day Mary!

Today is meaningful day for me, not just because it is a Holy Day of Obligation ,but as a Catholic Mother I a take time to reflect on my motherhood. The readings remind us today of the beginning of God’s relationship with us through the story of Eve in Genesis.  The story of Adam and Eve is one that tells us of our human condition and always reminds us that we are not as trusting of God as we were created to be. Not that we do not have the power to trust, because at times in life we amaze ourselves with the ability to trust God, but that we fall over and over again in believing that God has our best in mind. The serpent was able to convince Eve that God was not telling her the truth about the tree of knowledge and that somehow God was keeping something from her. And so trust was broken and life became hard outside the promises of God. It was especially hard because Adam and Eve would struggle to see themselves as God sees them, and we would begin the long hard struggle of gaining that vision back. We tend to see ourselves, thousands of years later, being naked, exposed and concentrating on that fact instead of all the things that God has given us, all of which are freely given.

As a young woman I too struggled with only seeing what I wasn’t instead of who I was, and this belief of not being enough led me to never really expecting the best for myself.  What I wanted in life, all the good things, a good husband and children, somehow seemed to be out of my grasp; instead of looking into myself for the answers I looked outward and became discouraged. As I think of Mary’s journey today, I see how she was the one who broke the chains of fear and Eve’s inability to trust God. Mary trusted God with all that she was, and agreed to be a part of something that would change the world forever, never asking to know the outcome before she agreed.  I was tired of waiting for “the one”, and he was not coming, I felt that I had to get that through my head. I know now that it was the same serpent of Eve, telling me that God didn’t really hear my prayers.  I didn’t want to believe it, I was a good person, why wouldn’t it come to me? To seal the deal, the person I loved more than anything, was taken from my life when he took his own life. I couldn’t understand how a loving God could do this! And so like Eve, I took it upon myself to find knowledge, left the church and went about getting my own dreams. I gave myself to the first person that came along and used love as the reason. But from the beginning I knew that this did not fit with who I was. The problem was that I did not know who I was anymore, because I had taken God out of the equation. I just wanted to feel loved.  I found myself pregnant, pretty quickly, and in today’s reading I am reminded of how I felt that day. We hear Mary saying, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man? Not that I didn’t have sexual relations but I had no “relationship” with a man, because in order to have a relationship I would have had to be present, and I wasn’t present to anything except physically. I wonder today, of how many women find themselves in the same situation, knowing that they are physical with a man, but really are not in relationship to them. There are so many of us women, seeking love, and we just can’t find the love that will satisfy our inner soul, because that place is reserved for God. At this point, I had some “choices”--  I could have had an abortion and my reputation would not have been stained, but my soul would have been stained forever; I could have stood in a church, proclaiming my vows, knowing that I would not be able to fulfill them; or I could have confessed my sin, taken the consequences and sin no more, asking for help to make this situation (which felt horrible) into something that glorified God. I choose the later. I chose to get busy in making a life with this small child and finally trusting in God that all would be well. Through this event, God (and me) brought me to a place that I was forced to trust in Him, because there was nothing else to trust. From that moment on I was at peace and luckily for me it was in the beginning of my pregnancy. This baby who was growing inside me was not a “mistake” it was hope that God and I were growing together.  I wish that for every woman that finds themselves in this place would believe that God has great things for you and for that child, no matter the circumstances.  Think of the fear that Mary must have felt because she could be stoned to death, and if she can say yes to life, what are we afraid of … tarnished reputations or financial struggles? Take on the fight! That small child inside of us wants to be born, wants to receive God’s promises.  This small little boy inside me, was the answer to my prayer, I wanted to be a Mom, maybe not in these circumstances, but I know that God used it to bring me ever closer to him and ultimately give me the answer to who I was.  In the Book of Revelation, we see Mary, triumph over the serpent, with 12 gold stars around her head, the Queen of Heaven and earth, she shows us how to trust in a way that Eve before her failed. She shows us how every day, trusting God wins over evil, even when you have to watch your child being placed on the cross!

When I gave birth to Noah, there were some medical complications that were pretty serious, so within just a few minutes we went from delivering to C-section to emergency surgery, and as they placed the mask on my face, I heard God ask, “will you die for him?” and my answer was “Yes” and never in my life was I in a position to give my life for someone else and God gave me this gift.  Now I can approach life in a whole new way, understanding love. The gift I was given that day is knowing, really knowing, what Jesus gave for me in taking up the cross. What Noah has taught me, is what Mary teaches all of us, to trust God with all our heart, with all of soul and with all of our minds. And when we can really trust, than we can understand the words, “all things are possible with God”.

Happy Mother’s Day to Mary and the Church, help us to believe in the coming of your Son.

It’s All About Love

When Jesus replied that this Commandment was the greatest, he did sure challenge those around him and everyone else to come after. What does it mean to Love God with ALL our heart? Have you ever really thought  about it? If we love God above all else, there really is no need for the rest of the Commandments, because if I love God I will always be honest, I will always treat my neighbor with the upmost respect, I will respect my parents and all elderly, even if they haven’t always respected me, I will not live in a world that is an eye for an eye. I will do what is right, not because of some rule, but because I am totally in love with Abba – the God in which I have this unbelievable close relationship with.

When we love someone, really love them, their interest is always first and foremost on our mind. And so it is with our relationship with God. To live in justice means that I will offer to others what I know God would want for them, therefore putting God’s and his people’s interests first. With experience of living this way I will know that I live in real joy and happiness, and that doesn’t mean that life will be easy and abundant of the things of the world (remember last week’s reading?)

But Jesus doesn’t just say that this is a nice thing to do, it is the #1 Commandment, and so there is more of an emphasis that choosing to put God’s best interest first is all wrapped up in our salvation. I wonder what that means for the world in the year 2011. So many times people believe that as long as you are a “nice” person you will get to Heaven.  If I walked into a closet today, and stayed there until my death, I could say that I lived a life without hurting anyone, without saying anything that offended anyone, I was not involved in political arguments, and I did not lie, cheat, murder, covet, nor take the Lord’s name in vain – will I then go to Heaven? Or will I be asked why I didn’t feel responsible to make the world better, to bring God’s word to the hopeless or comfort the sick? While God is a loving God, I believe that he is a just God – and that while I was not a problem on earth, I did nothing to help in the creation of the Kingdom of God here on earth, now. Would I go to heaven? Or perhaps, I spent my life, continually putting myself out there, wanting to serve God, but sometimes failed and had to pick myself back up. Maybe sometimes within my zeal to speak God’s word I offended someone, or didn’t say something just right, but could make up for it with an apology – would I go to Heaven?

Do we really believe in the prospect of living with God for all eternity? Many times in this age, people don’t live with the hope of salvation primarily in their mind.  I think many people, myself included, go throughout our day, not really aware of how our actions will get us to -- or keep us from Heaven.  I believe there is life after this one with God, in which we will be reunited with those we love, and not only will we be reunited but we will see them for who they truly are and we will be seen by others for all that we truly all – we will shine with the brightness that God intended for us.

This week, let’s pay attention of our love for God, let it surround us and let us pray that we may experience God in every thought, word and deed. Let us truly - Go, and serve the Lord.

The Problem with Conversion

Lately I have been thinking about conversion, (can’t imagine why? Check out the Metanoia Movement) and I think that God has graciously given me some new insights. What is the problem with conversion? Why is it that when God promises us a new life, we hesitate and swim in the familiar misery that we call our life?

While God calls us to something different, and for sure more fulfilling that what we have going on now, we tend to be afraid of that which we do not know. I think that when we talk about creating a new spark in the church of today, we can’t help but ask ourselves, what is the problem, who wouldn’t want in on this thing? But then I got a hint of why we wouldn’t. In today’s world we see ourselves so much different than God, our creator sees us. We immerse ourselves in what the world deems as success. We work hard, we try to give our kids everything that they need to “keep up” and we judge ourselves, on a standard that we will never achieve.  We allow our “ego” to tell us what is good and bad about us, but we should realize that the ego is never satisfied, it has an insatiable hunger for everything. More, more, more is the mantra of the ego. And when we look ourselves through the lens of the ego, we tell ourselves that we are not enough. There is always something missing. And so, how can we really believe that God would love me with such an immense love? How can I really feel that love, and live my life from that place? It seems like something that I could never achieve, at least for any sustained time that it would actually change my life. In these times, love is elusive, and with everyone working on the greater of good of the “I”, when do we get to learn the meaning of real love, there just isn’t very many opportunities to have some concrete experience of anything that may resemble the love God has for us.

And then there is a problem with meeting God in the core of my being, if I ever do get a chance to meet God there, because then I will really have to move to something else in my life. I will have to clear out the cobwebs of all the places within myself that I have been avoiding for a long time, and it might hurt. It will, at the very least, require me to change things about how I am living my life, with no guarantee that I won’t be standing here alone, holding up a real mess. I think that it is scary to have a real conversion experience, its kind of like shopping at Wal-Mart. I remember reading all the terrible things that Wal-Mart does to its employees, and how they really take advantage of those who manufacture or produce certain items. For Wal-Mart it is the bottom line, no matter what. How many of us have thought that it probably isn’t the best to shop at Wal-Mart. In my rural town, Wal-Mart has been a part of shutting down local businesses because they couldn’t compete with the prices of buying in bulk. But what happens if you decide that you will no longer shop at Wal-Mart, you will pay more money for some items, shopping may not be as convenient, and for some towns, Wal-Mart is the only game in town! So we find ourselves shopping at Wal-Mart. Conversion I think is similar. If we were to look at the teachings of the Church (which I believe are more right than wrong), we might find that we married the wrong person, or that we are parenting in a way that hurts our children more than helps them; we might feel that our conversations with our co-workers or our friends aren’t worth having, we might even lose friends; perhaps our job is in conflict with the teachings of the Church, maybe our family members won’t support us, etc. When we shift our thinking, let alone our actions, there are consequences, and sometimes those consequences can be overwhelming. Sometimes we find that in this world, with so much hurting, and inequality it is just easier to shut our eyes, it just gets too much …we are afraid that we will be alone, that people will think that we are “high and mighty”, that our kids will be laughed at, and on and on, (plug in your own fears here) that beginning the change, even just going to church can be a daunting task. But we seldom think, that if I don’t jump off this ledge I am living on, I could lose my soul! I could lose my children’s soul! I could lose my place in heaven! That is the real consequence by not taking this invitation to conversion, this invitation to love God and to allow Him to love me, just the way I am. But my ego keeps reminding me that I am not enough. How then, do we commit ourselves to God, every moment of everyday?

This week Jesus tells us to give Caesar what is Caesar’s and to give God what is God’s. We have to remind one another that we belong to God. It is only through LOVE that we will know that love, without judgments, with a sense of community; we have to be here for each other when we decide to open the gate of the one we have fenced in, deep within ourselves that we decided was not worthy to be loved, not really loved. Today, so many people settle for all the empty promises of the world, those things that will never satisfy.  I think that we find the love of God in the commitment to one another that we will not be alone when we open our can of worms, because all of our lives are holy messes, and it is in the courage of sharing our messes that we will be set straight. Let us pray for one another, and for our conversion because God needs us to be light for one another, He has faith in us, and He is very patient.

The Messy Vineyard

OH, another week with so much in the reading that jumps out from the page to my heart…don’t you just love it when it does that? (To tell the truth I begin to feel a bit overwhelmed to get all my thoughts out there) so today I will try to spread it out over a few days. As always I praise God who is alive in my life and in the world!

This weeks upcoming readings: Is 5:1-7, Phil 4:6-9 and Mt 21:33-43

First reading -- I love how it begins, kind of like the beginning of the Beverly Hill Billies, go ahead and read the first lines, with the tune in the back of your mind! Did you see the comparison? Lol  But enough musings ...

Here is a picture of vineyard, who when so guarded, all that grew were “wild grapes”! And so, the owner of the vineyard is going to let whatever happen, happen to the vineyard, in hopes of getting something different. Now I am no theologian or scripture scholar, I really only go by what I hear in my head and heart about the readings at hand. But boy did this strike me. When I grew up, so many things about the church were “guarded”, parishioners it seemed, knew their place and pretty much remained there. The “jobs” of the church were taken care of by “special” people, and somehow things got done, Church was there on Sunday and you didn’t really have to worry about it. But, even with so much given us, and I am referring to those now in their 30s and 40s, it seems that we have grown “wild” that we do not have a deep appreciation for this Catholic faith and are, for the most part, doing a horrible job in passing that faith to the next generation. So many young adults (and not so young adults) don’t know much about the teachings of the faith (and I am talking about the REAL teachings, not what you learn on the “streets”) and so are luke warm about not only the Catholic faith, but are luke warm about God in general. Take a look at families, schools, governments, etc., and we can see how the watering down of commitments to God has affected our whole world.  And so the result is a Church in great need of love and caretaking, falling and being left for dead. But ohhhh, the opportunity God is giving us!!! Yes, this, in a way is a GOOD thing! In the past few weeks we have heard about a man’s son who says he will work in the vineyard but doesn’t go and a son who says no but then changes his mind, of people who work in the vineyard for different amounts of time, but all get the same pay, don’t we see, for so many of us, who said (and say) that we are bringing Christ into the world, but didn’t when given an opportunity, or we say that we know our faith, but don’t when it is time to teach the lessons to our children, we have an opportunity to change our minds AND to get the same pay – heaven.  It is when the walls of the Church have fallen, when She needs our attention and care, that we are invited, with all of our gifts into this messy vineyard, that we can have a change of mind and heart, and to roll up our sleeves and get to work living and proclaiming the message of Jesus Christ. We have a second chance, and we can be the small, vulnerable sprouts of the good grapes because through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ we have been made new again. The time is now, and not to settle for less than what Jesus death on the cross provides for us.  It is not a time to blame and to find excuses, we ALL got here together, and together we will rise!

...here I am in your midst...

It has been a crazy couple of weeks in the north country. First, as I am sitting at my desk, I feel the earth tremble, and then realize that we are experiencing an earthquake. Then about a week later, the north country is hit with a hurricane! And once again we find our communities flooded and many people in dire need of assistance. For me I have been truly blessed, no downed trees, no flooded basement in my home, no one hurt, no damage, no nothing. But I look around, and so many people have been negatively affected by Mother Nature, it just makes you wonder what is going on in the world.

This weeks readings are jammed packed. And I must admit that before I was committed to writing this blog each week, I was not as acutely aware of just how much were in the readings each week. Unless we really commit to studying and examining the readings we are loosing out. My hope is that this blog will help people peel away the layers of God's Word each week.

Now back to the surrounding disasters... why is all this happening, why must God's people suffer? My son asked me this week, that if God was all powerful, why would all these things happen? Why would people have to suffer? This is an age old question, but coming from my son, in wanting to give him an answer that he could carry in his pocket for the rest of his life, I really had to think about it, more seriously than ever before. Here was some of my answer to him...

God created this beautiful earth for us to enjoy, he gave us the summer for those who enjoy swimming in the local lakes and pools, camping, feeling the grass under our bare feet; he created winter for those who love to zip down the slopes with ski's or snowboards, he gave us snow to make snowmen, to pour maple syrup on to make maple taffy; in spring we get to experience the growth of new life, the smell of wet mud and fresh earth, and an annual happiness to see new flowers in bloom; and in the fall, we can enjoy the harvest, bright orange pumpkins, cool days on hikes with the beauty of changing leaves, the moments of sitting on the porch wrapped in a blanket inhaling fresh crisp air. He gave us all these things, ever changing, ever beautiful and no matter how old you get, you can't help but feel blessed in each season. For these things to happen, and I am no scientist, but I think that the earth has to go through things in order for us to enjoy all this beauty and perhaps that is why the weather gives us problems sometimes, so much is asked of the earth and so much is taken for granted. But I also think that in these times, we are given the opportunity to be the exact human being that God created us to be. To share our food, our blankets, our homes or our money with those that are not so lucky or blessed as we are, or if we are the ones in need, it gives us a knowledge of what it feels like to depend on others and know that what we have here on earth is fleeting. Moments like these, when we are at our best, makes us remember the important things in life and opens us up to see God all around us. Moments like this also tests us in a way, to praise God even when the winds are blowing, and the rain is pouring down. When we are at our best, we praise God in all weather, in all circumstances, whether we are having difficulty or triumph. Without misfortune we would never truly know how wonderful God made us in giving and receiving, we would not have moments to be extra-ordinary.

This week Jesus says to us, "where two or more are gathered in my name I am there in their midst", without sounding too simple, I think as we trudge along in the next few weeks, cleaning up messes and helping others rebuild their lives, it is important for us to look at each other in the eyes, and see Jesus and know that He is in our midst. He calls us to community, and in community we find our strength and the beauty that is the Christian life.

We have the power to heal a broken world.

How can you help your neighbor? Catholic Charities of the Diocese of Ogdensburg has established a fund to assist flood victims in the North Country. Donations may be sent to Catholic Charities, 6866 State Highway 37, Ogdensburg, NY 13669

We Haven't Been Duped!

I love it when I look to the next Sunday’s reading and find one that I LOVE and that history with me, touching my ears and heart at one point through my life. This Sunday, has to be one of my favorite Old Testament Readings from Jeremiah.  “You duped me, O Lord, and I let myself be duped!”  Wow, can I relate!

First of all it is important to know at least a little about Jeremiah.  He was born into a priestly family and he was called to be a prophet at around the age of 18. Jeremiah’s job was to prophesy about the destruction that was to come. Jeremiah lived in a very tumultuous time, his writing go all the way up to the destruction of the temple. But Jeremiah was not quick to take his calling from God, he didn’t really want to do this job and knew that his words were not going to be well received from those around him. It wasn’t like he was there to paint a pretty picture of Judah’s future. But God gave him some pretty specific instructions on how to get ready for his mission. The character traits and practices Jeremiah was to acquire in order to be ready are specified in Jeremiah 1 and include not being afraid, standing up to speak, speaking as told, and going where sent.  Sound familiar?? As you read the beginning of Jeremiah, God not only tells him how to prepare, but assures him that when ready, God will give him the words to say, and that He (God) would not abandon him. Reminds me of when parents bring children to the doctor for a shot. How many parents say, “Yes this is really going to hurt, gosh, this is going to be hard, well here is the doctor.”? Never, I hope. We know what is best for our children, and while we know something’s in life are hard, we talk to our kids in a way that makes them less afraid, or more confident. Even if it is just the tone of our voice, we often can get our kids to do things that wouldn’t do it on our own. Some people call that, “sugar coating”. I have to wonder in what tone God was speaking to Jeremiah. So, Jeremiah takes the challenge and goes out to prophesy.  In the meantime, he loses everything, even his family turns against him. If that is not enough, God, Himself, reveals to Jeremiah that …oh by the way…a group is plotting to kill you. Can you imagine Jeremiah’s response, “What?” and to console him God says, “Well it is only going to get worse!”. And so what would your response be, if you were Jeremiah?  I can just see Jeremiah, pacing around the room, “this is so not good. I didn’t even want this mission in the first place, I told you I wasn’t the guy for you, and now they are going to kill me? Great!”  Now, the next part is great, have you ever been offered an opportunity, and you just so really wanted to do it that you didn’t look at all the angles, and when you realized it wasn’t going to be as easy as you would have hoped you kind of blame the person who offered it to you in the first place? Perhaps saying that they didn’t really reveal all the information and somehow, your predicament was more their fault than yours, after all you were well intended.

God calls all of us, sometimes the task is easier than others, sometimes we are more inclined to say yes than at other times, but either way God is calling us to make His Kingdom on earth. I especially love when Jeremiah says that he will never again utter the name of God, and yet he finds himself with this burning desire to speak of God, he just can’t help himself.  For many us this is also the case, when we are totally frustrated with our ministry we are tempted to quit, but when it comes right down to it, we can’t help but figure it out, and bring Jesus’ message to the world.  How is your calling going? Are you feeling like Jeremiah, a bit hesitant to take on what God is asking of you? Let that desire move you forward, the rewards will be great, because for all of us who have loved, we just do what we do because we love. And that is all God is asking of us.

If you keep on reading in Jeremiah, God gives him such awesome words of reassurance, in Chapter 29 God says to Jeremiah..."For I know the plans I have for you, ... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God isn't trying to trick us, He sees the big picture, and in that we have to trust.

The Greatest Question Ever Asked...

Lately I have been reflecting on just what it means to be Catholic. It’s not an easy religious choice when you really think about it. Everything about being Catholic, when done fully and with conviction touches every part of your life. Being Catholic calls us not only in relationship with this Jesus that we profess, but it calls us into a relationship with the world that is very often against the teachings of Christ. This week, Jesus asks his disciples and each one of us, “Who do you say that I am?”. We know that our actions speak louder than words, and when you really come down to it, it is so easy to say what we know is right, and yet another to actually move our actions to align with our speech. When we read about the Saints and holy people, this is one common factor that they all possess, they were actually able to live their lives according to their beliefs and live what they preached, even in persecution and for many death.

As I reflect on this passage, it becomes clear to me that when Jesus asks me, “Who, Lorraine, do you say that I am? He is in part asking me what Jesus am I reflecting to the world. What Jesus am I bringing to the people in whom I meet each day? This then becomes much more a personal question to me than it ever had before. Do I proclaim my love for God without reservation? Do I work for justice without fear? Do I love my neighbor as myself?  When people meet me do they instantly know that I proclaim Jesus as my Lord? Unfortunately, and probably commonly, I have to admit that it is not 100%. Being Catholic calls me to proclaim not only Jesus message in speech, but it calls me to do so in action. All the world’s problems become my problems … daunting! I am my brother’s keeper.  

As I work to implement a Religious Education program in my parish, or begin my ministry for the Young Adults of the Diocese, I am reminded that all the people I will encounter need love and understanding. As much as I just want people to get in line and follow the program, it rarely happens that way. Each person we encounter has their own issues going on, and when you ask someone to go to church, or become involved, I have to realize that this asks much more from them than to be present. At least if it all works right. When someone walks into church, and participates in Communion with the Lord, they are asked to change. And that change is often HARD! Recently I had a conversation with coworkers about kid’s sports and what parents give up or compromise on so that their children will be part of the “team”. When someone takes the message of Jesus and the Church, we realize that the first “team” that we and our children belong to is God’s team, and being on that team asks you to go against so much of what the world holds true and important. We all have a need to belong, and in so many ways, being part of things like sports teams, is a tangible, quick fix to that need. Often, those of us in the Church do not portray our “team” to be one worth joining, as we say one thing and do another. But with the decline of people realizing that we are on God’s team, our families weaken, our churches weaken and shortly thereafter our society as a whole weakens; isn’t it evident?

Who are we saying Jesus is in our everyday life? Do we share the amazing things that He does in our lives with those around us? Can people look at us and see a person of faith and integrity? Do we allow Jesus to go before us in all we do, with amazing fearless faith in which he has given us? (Remember the reading a couple weeks ago in which Jesus tells us that if we believe we can actually walk on water?) Jesus asked Peter this question, and Peter replied, "You are the Christ!" And with that answer, Jesus builds His church on him. First and foremost we must proclaim Jesus as the Christ, the Son of God, calling us to deeper, more holy lives.

Today Jesus is asking…”Who do YOU say that I am?” What is your answer?